Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Girlfriend said I need to be more affectionate... Now I have 2 Girlfriends!

   My plan to train the world's first tap dancing spider would have gone better had I not freaked out and stomped it to death whilst screaming like a little girl.

   after dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that's not done at this hotel....

   If we are in a car and I love the song that just came on the radio and you turn it down to tell me something, please know that I will cut you.

   "Don't speak to me, I will k!ll you, eat you, sh!t you, stomp you flat, scrape what's left of you off my shoe onto the curb and set you on fire!!!" "Damn baby, I just said good morning." "I'll go get the Midol and Pr0zac."

   I didn't bust too many cherries in high school but I'm pretty sure I stretched a few out.

   I need a job where I can punch stupid people all day.

   I just realized that I'll never see a genuine ninja...because if I do, it wasn't.

   Not too concerned about the past, but the present, that's a different story. Did you bring me a present? In the future bring a present.

   Some people message me and wonder why I've deleted them from my friends list. And I always respond "Even the trash gets taken out once week around here."

   Dear toilet paper makers, We've all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer. Sincerely, Our asses.

   My pimp hand is like Verizon, all it takes is one smack and you better believe that b!tch "can hear me now."

   To my neighbor dude who just saw me smoking outside without pants on: I'm sorry. To his wife: You're welcome.

   If I ever get sent to prison the first thing I'm gonna do is hunt up the tattoo guy and have him put a red aids awareness ribbon on each butt cheek.

   Here's one for the women.......................... It's a 5-speed vibrator kind of day.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job? What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

   I put the alcohol in Alzheimer's. Not in the word... I just like to get old people drunk. Then I tell them I'm their son and borrow money.

   I saw a guy with an eye patch today, so of course I had to ask him how the fun and games were before the injury.

   To all the women I've loved before, I have found someone better.

   Nothing's more disappointing than getting a message, hoping it's from that girl you love, and it turns out to be from your wife instead.