Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attention womanizer! Myspace is the best place to hide your secret from your love ones!

   When a guy opens the door of his car for a girl, you can be sure of one thing, either the girl is new or the car is.

   My girl told me she was miserable in our relationship. She said she lost 10 lbs. I asked her if it was over and she said, "Not yet, I want to lose 15."

   I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers

   Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

   Ex-lover is short for Expired Lover.

   My wife is decorating our kitchen in a Cartoon Theme. She loves what I just got her for her birthday- The Official Scooby Doo Rofl Iron. Your Relcome Honey!

   Choose what you love and then learn to live with your choice.

   Life is funny. Well ok, just My life. Ok everyone please stop LOL-ing,ROFL-ing, and LMMAO-ing. Thank you

   Teacher: "What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?" Smartass: "Pull down its genes."

   I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don't know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc'd my new girlfriend who wanted proof.

   My girlfriend gave me three subtle hints about what she would like for her birthday: It begins with a 'D' It vibrates It's a girl's best friend I'm pretty certain I know exactly what she's getting at. A new dishwasher.

   I broke up with my girlfriend today, she asked me if its really over. I told her it couldn't be more over if she started singing.

   My girlfriend forgot to flush the toilet after taking a really big sh1t. Bad move. "It won't fit" just isn't going to cut it as an excuse anymore.

   set my phone to "Airplane Mode" and it told me not to call it Shirley.

   If you text me first it is YOUR opportunity to keep the conversation going...

   Release the Kraken !!!!!!

   Switzerland's economy was ranked #1 by the World Economic Forum while the U.S. fell to #5.....I guess those little Swiss army knives must be selling like hotcakes! ツ

   Being in a relationship with someone who is always miserable with themselves can turn you into a miserable person as well.

   If all roads were straight forward, we'd fall asleep on the wheel.