Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i wish my shower at home had a knob for a "spot free rinse".

   FEMALE SHOP assistants. When a car mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed, and charge them $50 labour costs for the transaction.

   Some chick with rainbow spiked hair caught me staring. She goes, "What up, dude? Ya never did anything wild?" I said, "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid."

   Who ever came up with the idea of oxygen bars is a genius! Getting rich by charging people to breath? Awesome!

   Today's tip: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! That is all.

   Hey baby, whats your sign? Girl blushes and says: stop! Me: Oh, I thought it was slippery when wet.

   Obama has given a whole new meaning to the phrase: "Once you go black, you won't go back"

   every 5 seconds somewhere on Earth a woman gives birth to a baby. We must find her and stop her.

   why have a guy with a six pack, when the guy with a keg brings the most fun?

   your always smiling while you play on the rain and frowning when you play in the sun.

   I used to hate going to family weddings. All my aunts uncles used to poke me and say, "You're next!" They stopped doing it when I'd say the same thing to them at funerals

   if a person starts a sentence with, "Not to sound like an a**hole..." Guess what they're gonna sound like....?

   If they EVER put a DUI checkpoint at a Taco Bell drive-thru, it's safe to say we're all screwed.

   Curmudgeon, Wednesday September 14, 2011 @ 10:41 AM Because Katrina is funny, 6 years later... jackass

   I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.

   Yesterday was hump day and I totally forgot to hump someone. If you let me hump you today I may give you some money. Don't worry, it's not prostitution unless I finish

   we can't run from who we are...our destiny chooses us!

   What you don't know won't hurt you, what you know will often hurt you, what you suspect will hurt you more and when what you suspect becomes what you know, it kills you without a doubt.

   I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.

   I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.