Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every girl knows that one "B*tch she don't want anywhere close her man.

   Its all fun and games until you realise your Capri Sun has no straw.

   I wake up every morning and thank God I don't look like Rick Ross.

   Everybody got that one friend that can't spell .. you gotta decode all their text messages.

   Who are all these people judging me? They should be arrested for practising law without a degree.

   I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing....

   when will people understand. "i can't hear you while I'm chewing my doritos!"

   Have you ever noticed that people who snore seem to always fall asleep first?

   RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.

   I'm participating in a 0.25K run to raise awareness for people with attention deficit disorder.

   it just me, or does Morgan Freeman play god in almost every movie...

   "Fei Fei Sun.. She is Chinese" oh, really? It sounded so European to me!!

   Well, I just made friends with some mexicans who just moved into the neighborhood. It's about time I finally got friends with benefits.

   When I have children I'm going to make them watch the movie 2012 and tell them I survived that

   like a good neighbor state farm is there...with winning lotto numbers

   E-Harmony: Dislikes: "Women who shoot their gun sideways!!"

   Tell me how a 74 year old man has an opportunity to fly a plane in the crowd at an air show in Reno Nevada when the Dr's took away my grandfather's license away just for falling asleep several times at the wheel on I-81??

   There are two things a HUMANS can never hide: The fact that he's drunk, and the fact he's in love.

   Somewhere, right now, MySpace Tom is giving himself a pep talk in a mirror.

   When I die I hope ppl remember me for all the attention I loaned to them without retribution. And not the money they loaned to me without retribution.