Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...

   The Log Cabin Syrup logo is offensive to trees

   Do people just get up and think about what they can be offended by today?

   When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change, hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   I called the book store and asked for some new book I had heard about on improving one's s€x life. The clerk said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." I go, "Yep, that's the one!"

   And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

   I'm preemptively preparing for the upcoming pancake shortage. 🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞� �🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞

   Think the Covid19 is bad? Wait till you catch the "Blue Flu"

   I'm waiting for them to dump Col. Sanders. Last thing we need right is a fried chicken pitchman who looks like a southern plantation owner.

   When your greatest contribution to the world is peanut butter, it's time to face reality and take your proper place on the evolutionary chart.

   The hippopotamus can run faster than humans on land and can swim faster than humans in water. This means that the only way you can beat a hippopotamus in a triathlon is on a bicycle.

   Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.

   Whoever named the diaper did a lot better than whoever named sweatshirts.

   Crazy episode of Judge Judy on right now. This guy was a month late on his rent and she just gave him the electric chair.

   Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

   My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

   Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

   I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.