Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 453 of 6383
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return. ~Me flirting
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03-03-2020 09:48
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Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
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03-03-2020 09:27
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Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies..
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03-03-2020 09:25
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The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks. I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
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03-03-2020 09:25
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I gained three pounds last weekend and I'm fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
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03-03-2020 09:24
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Actually, Trump didn't fire the entire pandemic response team in 2018 because he hated Obama. But I do remember when their planned budget cut happened so they could focus on real issues. Coronavirus lies.
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03-03-2020 08:07
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Taco Bell is testing a new dessert item called Cap'n Crunch Delights. They are warm doughnut holes filled with sugary cream and rolled in Cap'n Crunch. They really know how to capture the flavors of old Mexico.
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03-03-2020 06:37
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Florida became a state on this day in 1845. The amazing thing is that most of Florida’s population was alive to witness it.
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03-03-2020 06:33
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Happy birthday to Alexander Graham Bell. In his honor, I’ll be calling in sick.
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03-03-2020 06:32
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The Coronavirus is like pasta. The Chinese invented it, but the Italians are spreading it all over the world.
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03-03-2020 06:10
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Remember when Trump fired the entire pandemic response team in 2018 because he hated Obama? Coronavirus remembers.
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03-02-2020 18:05
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Q: How many Grammar Nazis does it take to change a light bulb? A: Too.
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03-02-2020 17:36
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bartender just now: the usual? me: you know it bartender: [throws me thru window]
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03-02-2020 14:21
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No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
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03-02-2020 13:56
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If coronavirus isn't about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
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03-02-2020 13:56
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I hurt myself doing the Safety Dance.
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03-02-2020 12:19
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
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03-02-2020 12:00
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"Get a parrot," they said. "It'll be fun," they said. "Get a parrot," the parrot said. "It'll be fun," the parrot said.
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03-02-2020 10:15
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Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we shouldn't have legalized marijuana.
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03-02-2020 08:57
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Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
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03-02-2020 06:55
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