Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's the beginning of the drinken! (thirsty Thursday, effed up Friday, sh!tfaced Saturday, sure why not it's Sunday,) maybe Monday, try not Tuesday and WTF I already drank all week Wednesday. Repeat.

   I would like to make a Facebook page called "Deez Nuts," just to see how many people LIKE Deez Nuts...

   cont'd: I do not like your top news trends, instead of recent news from friends. It was just fine, but now it's pus, don't make us jump to Google Plus!

   A wife is somebody who won't tell you what to do but will get mad when you don't do what she wanted you to do.

   Admit it, we've all tried to splash water in our face like the commercials.

   I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I'm going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.

   My friends say that I'm gay because I don't like football. What a bunch of idiots. I'm gay because I like c0ck.

   A life worth living shouldn't be wasted on a life spent wanting....

   OK, so there's a news report of a very large satellite hitting the earth tomorrow...but of course, we have no clue where...NOW, In my opinion, it isn't rocket science to just place a SH*TLOAD of magnets in the middle of the desert....right?....JUST SAYING

   You don't OWN Facebook. Stop being a whining b*tch who can't accept a mere change. Do all your friends complain when you change the furniture around YOUR house...Deal with it. Its not your website.

   Why would you respect Sallie Mae when she's been screwing you and all college students for years?

   Don't wash your car on Friday……It always rains satellites when you wash your car.

   it feels like I'm getting a 24 hr colonic by the government.. .

   The strangest of all bipolar disorders and birth defects is an inability to see things my way...

   "You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.”

   The first joint I hit I smoked behind Grandpa's barn. It made me dizzy, and I coughed a lot. "Don't worry, that always happens with the first hit," said Grandpa. "Try another hit." And you know, he was right!

   I'm doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve multi orgazims. Don't worry if you can't come! For those of you that will come...Sign the guest, list below!

   I do not like this Sam I Am. I do not like this Facebook scam. I do not like the new news feed. I do not like it, no indeed. I do not like your top news trends, instead of recent news from friends. It was just fine, but now it's weird, so let me make

   Im not saying your chick is ugly at all. She just reminds me of Bald Bull on Mike Tyson's punchout

   Whoever made the Sam I Am status shoud finish it.. that was some good stuff!!