Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is repealed, is it okay to admit I like the song "Drops of Jupiter?"

   Your call to action went straight to voicemail.

   I've decided to get in shape. The shape will be “potato”.

   I wonder if the people that voted for Obama are the same people that voted for Sanjaya on American Idol?

   Put on clean whitie tighties...Check. What other falling satellite preparations should I be making??.....

   Never smoke weed and go to a Catholic Mass. It's a pretty long service, you'll get the munches, and end up trying to take communion like 6 times.

   I carry a diaper with me so I can hold it up and shout "excuse me, you dropped your adult diaper" when people cut in line.

   NASA says there is a 1 in 3000 chance debris from their satellite could hit someone. *Please be Casey Anthony, Please be Casey Anthony, Please be Casey Anthony*

   I wanna slap any man who thinks it's ok to hit a woman and then slap any woman that stays with a man who hits her.

   I wonder if the people that applaud Michelle Bachmann at the debates are the same people that voted for Sanjaya on American Idol.

   E=MC2 ...ish

   loves Ben & Jerry's ice cream but this new "Schweddy Balls" flavor is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

   You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles

   There's nothing that irks me more than guys fawning all over a hot, yet insecure dysfunctional actress type on facebook, as if they're gonna "get some". It's like watching people kissing the a$$ of a train wreck.

   FB needs to change it's status to, "It's Complicated!"

   What's the big deal about the Facebook changes? This is a free social media site you chose to use. Get over it or don't use it....seems simple to me

   Turns out saying "I'm just trying to be supportive" is not a good excuse for trying to hold a girl's boobs

   I have to ask my wife where she wants to go for dinner at 1 pm so that the restaurant is still open once she finally makes a decision

   We all need to make a pact right now that there will be riots if Hollywood tries to remake The Goonies

   Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. Why didn't the cameraman help her up?