Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The wife and I just sat in a hot car and bickered for six hours. It was the same as going on vacation except we saved $1000.

   You know what I really hate? When I miss someones call by a few minutes and when I call back they don't answer

   I hate it when teachers say, “You think it's funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn't I wouldn't be laughing…

   Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!

   I removed my windshield wipers and now I don't get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!

   My advice for pretty much anything that's broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".

   Just got off the phone with my bookie. If the space junk hits any of the members of Nickelback I will be a very wealthy man.

   "You are very squishy. So I shall name you squishy. And you shall be my little squishy."

   Couldn't afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

   I'm creeped out by the Hamburger Helper glove. "Hi, I'm a dismembered hand here to help out with dinner." No thanks.

   If you wear diapers.. I'm pretty sure you're a liberal

   Dude calls into work and says to the boss, 'I'm calling in sick', the boss says, 'how sick are you', dude says, 'I'm in bed with my sister, you be the judge'.

   Dear Facebook...All we asked for was a Dislike button.. Not more options on how to stalk people!

   Wow The ones u'd take a bullet for are the ones holding the trigger!!

   Jeeze! You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore! FML!

   Q.) What's the speed limit of s3x? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

   Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

   We just got a new toaster...And of course my impatient a$$ bf would try n stick a knife inside of it to get the bread out...

   I'm easily influenced... That's why I try not to watch too much porn

   If you judge a book by it's cover, you are likely going to miss out on a great story!