Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The 'Will be ready in 5 mins" of a woman and the "Will call you back in 5 mins" of a man are same thing!

   Clingy ex's are like toilet handles.Occasionally we have to flush many times to get some pieces of krap to just go away.

   I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   The NEW FACEBOOK is just like THE MATRIX MOVIE...luks amazn but no s**t I can understand!!!

   I love animals, especially with veg and gravy....

   Somewhere in the world, a Jehovah Witness is plotting his next door knock.

   that feeling going into a multiple choice test knowing you will use process of elimination to get all the questions right and then seeing all four choices could be right.....DAMNIT

   Dear Reality, I've a list of people you forgot to slap!

   Some memories are wonderful to make but painful to remember.

   Losing someone you love so much is painful but losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much is the worst.

   We're all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.

   Oh I'm sorry, did you say something? I tend to go deaf when I'm in the presence of bullsh!t.

   There's a difference between "wanting" and "needing" something.

   Death smiles at us all, all you can do is smile back.

   Best friends can stab you in the back and cheaters can stab you in the heart. But it's worse when they share the knife.

   Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.

   its football season...detroit lions, cleveland tigers, & chicago bears...oh my

   The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."

   sometimes I wish life was like golf...id call MULLIGAN on some moments

   Facebook will start charging you for your account. To avoid this, you MUST get NAKED, stand on your dining room table and do the Macarena, all the while singing ”I Will Survive”. Post it on your Facebook wall.