Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I miss being able to hang up rotary phone on people!

   You call it lying, I call it protecting your feelings.

   People who bring up your past are threatened by your present and the undeniable fact that your future looks brighter than theirs.

   Headline: Justin Bieber Wears Women's Jeans. I beg to differ, that headline should have read: "Justin Bieber Wears Men's Shirts"

   I just read a story about how Justin Bierber likes to wear woman's jeans. I guess his package must be too small to need crotch room.

   The smoke smell you might have been smelling today was from Minnesota Viking fans burning their Brett Farve jerseys.

   I camped out for 3 days next to my computer to be first to get Missoni swag and then the site crashed when I clicked the buy button..

   at his mom's house and saw a can that said "mixed nuts". It was the family urn.

   ( . ,)-(__ --> __)===] So, I just planked on fb. Game over. I win. :)

   Its funny the way guys come out of the woodwork when a girl on Facebook turns "single". Commenting and liking everything.

   OK, I go upstairs to the bathroom and walk by and my wife is watching Forensic Files....20 minutes later she comes down to the man cave and asks if we should get life insurance on each other!! Made me nervous

   Lesson of the day: only the parent of a gassy infant can truly appreciate the beauty in the sound of a fart.

   went to a shrink today. she says I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other b*tch!

   WARNING: if you see posts offering free clip of the new Nickelback album DO NOT CLICK. It links to a free clip of the new Nickelback album.

   If you are not screwed up in the head in some type of way, the chances of us being really close friends are slim.

   A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud.

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said "This dumbass put my cape on backwards."

   Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it "Decisions, Decisions".

   Tequila is the Clear History button of my brain

   throwing a party. If you can catch it, you can attend it!