Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my day a mouse pad was a place rodents lived, a cursor was someone you avoided, and if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you sure never told anyone.

   Baseball World Records: Most Home Runs: Barry Bonds RBI's: Hank Aaron Career Batting Streak: Joe DiMaggio Most Innings Pitched: Cy Young Hit In The Face With The Most Balls: Justin Bieber

   I assume aliens love oral since they only abduct humans without teeth.

   I may be old but I got to see all the cool bands

   If you know anyone who's mute and has a neck brace, ask them as many yes or no questions as possible.

   I've had 4 cups of coffee in the past hour and now I look like I have Parkinson's.

   I distrust camels and other things that can go a week without a drink.

   The cover of my book will be a sledge hammer about to crush a engagment ring! That, or a close-up of me in a fetal position sucking my thumb.

   I'm so glad girls haven't figured out the power they wield just by greeting me with "Hey you."

   The first time sleeping over a girl's place is always awkward 'cause I have to explain who I am, how I got in, & why I'm crying...still single

   I wonder if Jack Lalane was buried, cremated, or "juiced"?

   Words to live by: Never leave a cake out in the rain. It took so long to bake it, and you may never have that recipe again,

   Thinking about moving to Africa so I can feed my kids for 18 cents a day.

   When everything else fails... you always have delusion.

   i asked God to protect me from my enemines. Then all of a sudden I started losing "friends".

   I think Mark Zuckerberg is in my frikin laptop laughing... My Facebook is changing back and forth!!!! :-/

   you know your high when you wait for a stop sign to change color.

   I met this Chinese guy named Ho Lee Chit... (^_^)

   I put my phone on airplane mode then threw it accross the room..Worst transformer ever!

   what happened to the days when you would date someone because you actually wanted a future with them.. now and days people just date because they want someone cute by there side. i'd date with my eyes close, and let there personality shape there beauty.