Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   check my math here...but isn't the square root of 69, eight sumthin

   Pharmaceutical Generics: Tylenol=acetamophen, Aleve=naproxen, Advil=ibuprofen. Viagara=mycoxafloppin.

   COUGH! COUGH! Autoerotic asphyxiation is really hard to say five times fast with a belt around your neck.

   What do you say if Chris Brown is your blackjack dealer and you need another card?

   Scared of dying alone? Become a careless bus driver!

   Chinese couple's wedding night. Time for sex. The bride asks the husband what he wants. He says, "69". She says, "You want Beef with Broccoli?"

   Going to watch the True Blood finale now. After watching the Tea Party debate, I need to experience something closer to reality

   When one of us goes down, the rest of us need to come and pick that person up.

   If you lick your sandwich in front of me so I won't steal it when you walk off, I will lick the other side.

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want."

   My phone auto-corrected "haha" to "hahahaha" -- um, yea it was funny, but let's keep our pants on.

   Can't believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn't using the slogan "Once you go black, you don't go back." - some hooker

   I think the next reality show should be called "Taking out the Kartrashians." People get to beat them all up and stack them by the curb.

   Whizzing backwards on your office chair makes you look like a dynamic go-getter! But waddling forwards on it makes you look retarded :(

   My Girlfriend said I need to be more affectionate... Now I have 2 Girlfriends!

   My plan to train the world's first tap dancing spider would have gone better had I not freaked out and stomped it to death whilst screaming like a little girl.

   after dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that's not done at this hotel....

   If we are in a car and I love the song that just came on the radio and you turn it down to tell me something, please know that I will cut you.

   "Don't speak to me, I will k!ll you, eat you, sh!t you, stomp you flat, scrape what's left of you off my shoe onto the curb and set you on fire!!!" "Damn baby, I just said good morning." "I'll go get the Midol and Pr0zac."

   I didn't bust too many cherries in high school but I'm pretty sure I stretched a few out.