Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a lot of friends practicing law without a degree. They all want to judge me.

   In kindergarden they call them cooties. in high school we call them STDs...

   This is how my week goes mooooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday....

   Maan !! You're 20 years old & she's 15 years old, HOW COULD YOU CALL IT RELATIONSHIP ? IT'S BABYSITTING !

   Hey Reality, I've a extremely large list of people you've forgot to slap!

   I'm sorry Real World.. I don't have time to get to know 7 more people.. My Fb is already full!

   I liked you when we first met but, since then, you've talked me out of it.

   Tonight's dinner was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I made it using the recommended serving amounts indicated on the jars. Who came up with these standards...an Ethiopian?

   PSA: You may “love” your boyfriend, But we'd all appreciate it if you didn't post it on Facebook every thirty seconds, thanks.

   Giving up is the easiest thing you could ever do But holding it together when everything else falls apart thats true strength

   Dear God, Please send some nice clothes for that poor lady in Daddy's computer who hasn't got any. Love, Paul XXX

   wholeheartedly believes I am someone's "evil twin", and I'm totally cool with that. What bothers me is that there is a wholesome, "goody-goody" douchebag doppelganger, somewhere in the world that has the ability to pose as me!

   It is hard to pull off gangster with a toy poodle sitting in your lap.

   renting a midget for Halloween.

   it rude to give a copy of photoshop at a baby shower? It's just that I know what both parents look like they're gonna need it

   Whenever I'm introduced to an old person I mentally add “osaurus” to their name.

   OSHA has determined that the safe load capacity on my butt is 2, unless I install hand rails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line behind my wife and boss to ride my @ss today, please wait patiently.

   When the homeless guy who lives in the dumpster asks you to subscribe to his podcast, don't, just trust me on this

   25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan....Johnny Cash and Bob Hope..now we have Obama no Cash and no Hope....

   Love 'em or hate 'em, you have to admit, Beyonce' and J-Lo never do anything half-assed.