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*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.
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03-05-2020 06:23
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“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.” - inventor of velcro
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03-05-2020 06:22
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Dude just told me that he's washing his hands more because of that "Coca-Cola virus."
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03-05-2020 06:21
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I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like "WHAAAAAT----NOT AGAIN!" and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
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03-05-2020 06:20
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You can try to take off my granny panties, but they'll just grow back stronger.
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03-05-2020 06:19
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I rather shove a wet noodle up a bobcat's ass in a telephone booth, rather than listen to another one of Trump's speaches.
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03-04-2020 18:03
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I told myself that I wouldn't drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.
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03-04-2020 14:49
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I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing. To let me know when I am wrong.
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03-04-2020 14:26
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The only thing I've ever made from scratch was dandruff.
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03-04-2020 12:59
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Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor
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03-04-2020 12:58
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Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
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03-04-2020 12:53
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I don't understand why this loan manager won't get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
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03-04-2020 12:52
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Breaking News: Trump screams at Mike Pence for not praying hard enough to make Biden lose.
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03-04-2020 12:47
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what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
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03-04-2020 11:08
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Over 50 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
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03-04-2020 08:39
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A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
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03-04-2020 08:30
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If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.
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03-04-2020 08:27
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You must first feel comfortable in someone else's skin before you can feel comfortable in your own. --Psycho Therapy
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03-04-2020 06:14
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I've just been voted the most secretive person in the world... I can't tell you what it means to me.
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03-04-2020 06:12
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I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked.. but that’s rare.
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03-04-2020 06:10
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