Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a wife is somebody who won't tell you what to do but will get mad when you don't do what she wanted you to do

   all those extreme couponers across together need to band together and propose a budget plan to the president

   just took an inventory of my body and it seems to be overstocked in all the wrong places

   Word of the day---FOCUS (fu@k off cuz ur stupid)

   Now that I am older... I wear bell bottom pants so I can flash the guys a little easier!

   Keep your head high, but your middle finger higher

   Just put on the pajamas I'd like to be buried in, so no, I don't think I'll be going out tonight.

   1. play a youtube video 2.pause it 3. hold left arrow for 3 seconds 4. then press up arrow while holding left arrow 5. play the snake game

   The new FIFA12 is full of bugs... I tried to make a substitution, but Carlos Tevez wouldn't come on..!

   You know what's funny? Paintings of Adam & Eve where they both have belly buttons. Think about it, take as much time as you need.

   Has anybody woke Green Day up yet?

   you know ur ugly when ur body gets more likes than ur face...............

   Four out of five urologists smell their apple juice before they drink it.

   I have learnt so much from my mistakes, I am thinking of making a few more.

   Just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial where the actress is sitting in bed crying with a half eaten snickers in her mouth!

   You can almost pass a lie detector test if you answer every question with "go fish."

   Today looks like a good day to do all the nothing I have planned.

   My 300 lb. sister got a belly ring. I peeked at the receipt, it was from U-Haul. She got a hitch.

   I didn't sleep very well last night. everybody's going to get a shamwow and pajama jeans for christmas. damn you infomercials!!!!

   Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex! Now that I have your full attention, its weekend for god's sake, log off and go out there and enjoy your life dammit!