Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well I just watched Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" in the middle of the night on my night off all by myself. I'm not scared or anything but I wish my wife were awake so she could walk me to the bathroom. That's ok though....I can hold it.

   It's completely pointless when someone says "don't forget to save room for cake." There's always room for cake. Always.

   Nasa found a planet that has two suns. The fact that it's named Kepler-16b instead of Tatooine is a travesty. I bet Lucas threatened to sue.

   Something is wrong with you - if you are having sex to gospel music.

   Women always say 'all men want is sex' ....that's a lie. They want head too.

   I got first draft in my fantasy foosball team. Once again, my top pick: the plastic dude with the metal rod through his torso.

   If you want to see the power of a good woman, look at her husband and his success in the world!

   My one and only wish is for all the pretty lesbians to turn straight and all the ugly lesbians to remain lesbians.

   I hate when I don't forward a chain letter and the next day I die.

   "There's plenty of fish in the sea", "Well that's cool, but I'm human."

   That moment of panic when after talking to someone on your cell phone you go on to badmouth them only to realise you forgot to hang up.

   Hey what's your sign, "Pyrex", ...........I was a test tube baby.:)

   I'd rather live my life knowing and accepting that I'm not perfect, rather than spend my whole life pretending to be perfect.

   I will never change who I am for anyone. If you cant accept me the way I am, I will find someone else who will.

   2.Two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester cheats picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!

   We have all been walked on, taken for granted, forgotten, used and abused at some point in our lives. For the strong ones, life goes on, for the weak ones, life goes to waste.

   As I said before, I never repeat myself.

   The statement to th right is true..the statment to the left is false

   I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

   Buying 12 cases of diet soda a week is defeating the purpose of diet soda