Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I delete the recent history from my profile for the same reasons I don't go to church. It gives people the wrong impression and it makes Jesus roll his eyes.

   It's ironic that there's only one I in Forest Whitaker.

   My life wasn't complete until I met you,,,,,,, You COMPLETELY ruined it. Thanks...

   Who the f*ck threw this "work" thing right in the middle of my Facebook time? Am I being Punked?

   She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of 10 said their place.

   Rolling a piece of toilet paper up and sticking it in your ear and just letting it hang there makes it awkward for people to talk to you.

   If Monday had a gender it would be female... they are always a b!tch. If they were easy, it'd be a slut.

   Wats the point of having emergency vehicle  turn the lights on n driving below the speed limit on an empty street! 

   We are the WTF generation : Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

   When I stop talking and just walk away, it doesn't mean you've won. It means I'm not wasting any more time on your stupid ass.

   I drank so much this weekend, that if Dracula bit my neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

   Live each day like you're marked for deletion.

   Evolution is just nature's way of issuing upgrades.

   happy and I knew it and then I clapped my hand, everyone thought I was weirdo :/

   People who use anagram solver apps so they can always win at 'Words With Friends' I have one for you.....RHCTAETE

   Immature = A word boring people use to describe fun people.

   I bet it's tough being a police sketch artist in China.

   If you get nervous during sex, just pretend like everyone watching you is naked.

   Women rarely tell their age and men rarely act theirs.

   With the way some people make you feel guilty about discussing sex, you would think God created the human body and the devil slapped on the genitals.