Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What's your name?!

   You're not yourself today... I noticed the improvement immediately!!

   Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!

   I dress to kill.... and have been told I cook the same way!

   There is always a lesson to be learned from every mistake. What is that lesson? That you are a failure.

   Remember the old days when people screwed up their relationships naturally, without the help of the Internet? Those were good times.

   I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.

   How come all the girls on Facebook take so many photos of their mirrors?

   69% of the time people find something dirty in this sentence.

   The hardest part about keeping up with the Kardashians is swallowing all that semen.

   I can always tell when I'm drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards

   LOVE: If you need direction, search your heart. If you still can't find the answer, search through your significant other's sh!t.

   I'm fairly certain that most of us are one full gas tank away from bankruptcy.

   Ever notice how banks and credit cards want you to go paperless to save a tree? Since I need those documents for my records I have to print them at home. So I'm using my paper instead of theirs. No trees are saved and I get screwed. Yay!

   What do you have when you have two balls in your hands? A man's undivided attention.

   I look forward to having grandkids, so I can share my wisdom. Mostly wisdom about Angry Birds, Angry Birds Rio and Angry Birds Seasons.

   I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

   X says We're all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.

   And who replied to this you are an amazing animal. evryone knows that.

   All my life I've blamed myself for having a weight problem. Turns out it was my mom's fault. It's not that she prepared fattening dishes, or made me eat a lot. It's just that instead of having an egg in her uterus, she had bacon.