Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This new Facebook crap is making my head spin...and I'm feeling a little nauseous. If I start levitating off my bed in my sleep, and peeing on the floor in the middle of parties...I'm suing......................

   If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results

   I missed Obama's speech....Someone please tell me there will be a rebroadcast translation of Obama's speech into Pirate speak this afternoon??

   Ass kissing has never been my thing and never will be..i'll chew broken glass before I kiss ass.

   I'm a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.

   I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I'll take a Dirty Hammock."

   When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor's trash so you don't get robbed.

   I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   I like my men how I like my kit Kat - chunky

   This is for chicks with big mouthes: I have three wishes for you I wish, I wish, I wish you would bit&*!!

   Sir Alex Ferguson is furious with Ashley cole after seeing pictures of horror tackle,Wouldn't be the first time pictures of his tackle have got him in trouble

   people with narrow minds , are normaly the ones with the biggest mouths.

   says he is not the only one that yawns with a HE-MAN/Popeye pose at work; every guy does

   not for everyone results may vary. Side effects may include splitting side, spastic outbursts, spewing drinks out your nose and extreme awesomeness. Not recommended for people with heart problems or expecting mothers..

   I just want ppl to be honest with me. I mean, the worst thing I could do is drop kick you in your face.

   Dude she has a boyfriend? -Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie ,doesn't mean you can't score ;}

   Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!

   Trying to get someone to agree with your political or religious viewpoint, is as futile as trying to convince a mother that her baby isn't the cutest thing ever.

   I used to wish to have lots of money... since that never happened, I'm settling for a tool that converts Farmville coins to real cash... my cows will do the rest

   There's no more difficult transition than Sunday to Monday...