Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the strange event that you are buying condoms. Make sure they say 'bareskin' and not 'bearskin' trust me on this one.

   On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

   ‎"When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connnected in the great Circle of Life..." You know now that I'm older this circle of life doesn't really seem that balanced... Especially if your the antelope

   Summer's Eve announced a new douche infused with THC, anti-perspirant, & KFC... It leaves you fresh, high, dry, and finger lickin' good!

   Just joined the support group Hokey pokey Anonymous ..A place to turn yourself around..***

   TO all you women that like to SCREW married men.......Im Available..!!!

   At the end of the day, I just want to be loved but at the beginning of the day, gotta get rif of this morning wood.

   Moving to Africa so I can feed my kids for 18 cents a day.

   I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.

   There's something fishy about this cucumber I'm eating.......

   There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.

   Someone was a horrible person in their past life.. and was then reincarnated as my liver.

   when you were little and your parents closet looked huge. Now you have one filled and nothing to wear... so sad

   FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.

   Being funny on Facebook at 2 a.m. is like seeing a UFO... no one gets to see it or believes you.

   The show "Toddlers and tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   you know it wasn't always called bipolar, it once was called being a b!tch

   I liked you a lot more before I met you.

   I delete the recent history from my profile for the same reasons I don't go to church. It gives people the wrong impression and it makes Jesus roll his eyes.

   It's ironic that there's only one I in Forest Whitaker.