Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I see some people on Twitter/Facebook, then see them in person, I realize, ohhhh they use the new skin cream called Adobe Photoshop.

   Sometimes you gotta remind the hen who the rooster is.

   I've fallen down the stairs before. I don't see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.

   I like to like things on facebook I don't like so I can unlike them.

   You know you're short when you can see your feet in your driver's license!

   When a cop pulls you over for doing 32 in a 30, I dont advise calling him a Nazi, unless you are looking for 3 square meals a day and a shower, fml

   I got accepted into my freinds "Recipie Exchange" here on facebook. I'm gonna start posting lots of pictures of Road Kill for my ingredients!

   Only with my mother could me saying "getting old sucks" be heard as "getting oral s*x".

   I pretend to work.They pretend to pay me.

   I wear knit hats because its cold outside, you wear knit hats because of Coldplay

   i don't understand why people fly virgin airlines, why would you want to fly on an airlines that doesn't go all the way

   I have a low tolerance for pain... but the up side I can endure A LOT of pleasure.

   A great relationship is based on two main principles. First, appreciate your similarities and second, respect your differences.

   We all have that one friend we used to get wicked and do crazy stuff with but then they suddenly flipped on us and overnight became a hardcore religious nut and now can't hang out together due to spiritual differences.

   what started out as a joke, ended up me sleeping on the stairs for 2 hours.

   how come the bus driver is the only one with a seatbelt?

   Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?

   Congratulations! You have just won 100,000,000 dollars in the mobile draw reply with full name, D.O.B, address etc. to claim your price. By courtesy of the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe.

   There are certain days in the year where it's socially acceptable to act like a retard. Someone tell the people here it's not one of those days...

   Maybe Oscar wouldn't have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he's homeless