Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Live each day like you're marked for deletion.

   Evolution is just nature's way of issuing upgrades.

   happy and I knew it and then I clapped my hand, everyone thought I was weirdo :/

   People who use anagram solver apps so they can always win at 'Words With Friends' I have one for you.....RHCTAETE

   Immature = A word boring people use to describe fun people.

   I bet it's tough being a police sketch artist in China.

   If you get nervous during sex, just pretend like everyone watching you is naked.

   Women rarely tell their age and men rarely act theirs.

   With the way some people make you feel guilty about discussing sex, you would think God created the human body and the devil slapped on the genitals.

   I think I might be coming down with a "woman cold", it's sorta like a "man cold", but somehow I can manage to clean, do laundry, and take care of myself.

   Just saw a hot girl delivering pizza. NOT in porn--for an actual job. The American economy is worse than we realize

   "I hate cats." - Curiosity

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills

   I just told my kids that our dog died, when in reality he went off to live happily on a farm somewhere

   I've just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn't need my assistance, so I'm going back to bed

   Its hard to love someone you don't trust. Its even harder to love someone who doesn't trust you.

   I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.

   Hey Monday┌П┐(◕‿◕) ┌П┐

   I'm an advocate for all those who cannot talk for themselves, like my middle finger for example

   I just wan't some head, you can keep the sex.