Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinking about moving to Africa so I can feed my kids for 18 cents a day.

   When everything else fails... you always have delusion.

   i asked God to protect me from my enemines. Then all of a sudden I started losing "friends".

   I think Mark Zuckerberg is in my frikin laptop laughing... My Facebook is changing back and forth!!!! :-/

   you know your high when you wait for a stop sign to change color.

   I met this Chinese guy named Ho Lee Chit... (^_^)

   I put my phone on airplane mode then threw it accross the room..Worst transformer ever!

   what happened to the days when you would date someone because you actually wanted a future with them.. now and days people just date because they want someone cute by there side. i'd date with my eyes close, and let there personality shape there beauty.

   My parents accused me of being a liar. So I looked them straight in the eye and said "Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, Easter Bunny." And walked away like a boss

   Gene Simmons is now married...hope he didnt french kiss the bride...she might choke

   thinking Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

   On the right side of my facebook it says people you may know. Everytime I click it there are bartenders and Hooters girls on the top of the list... Am I doing something wrong?

   Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never have an erection.

   i think the funniest thing in the world is my dad leaving me a msg on my cell thinking that I can hear him and actually pick it up...

   Dear Women, We don't know what we're thinking, so please stop asking us that. Love, Men

   Sex would be more dramatic if men's underwear had little saloon doors in the front.

   I'm terrified when I hear something was made with "secret sauce."

   The Swedish Chef is the greatest Muppet of all time. END OF DISCUSSION.

   If I were Zorro, I'd hand out business cards with a Z on them. That way I wouldn't have to take my sword everywhere.

   A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !!