Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.

   My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be. Um how about you continue to live here?

   I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

   2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people

   Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

   Nobody: Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

   My behavior during the Pandemic should earn me the Nobel Peace Prize

   Man it's already half way through the year. Time flies when the world is falling apart.

   Tried to make my own hand sanitizer but I think I just made a margarita.

   I went to the store to buy some invisible tape but I didn't see any.

   Old: "Click It or Ticket". New: "Mask It or Casket."

   We had no pandemics in 1974 because everyone was busy Kung Fu fighting.

   A Girl commented on my post, a guy replied, she replied again n they were abt 2 fall in Love so I deleted d post.

   Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still?

   for someone that hates being touched, I sure do have a lot of kids.

   All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

   If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

   Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

   If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.

   87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.