Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I do it Doggie Style: I sit up and beg then she rolls over and plays dead.

   Don't forget to turn your clocks ahead tomorrow so we have one less hour of Trump.

   A sure sign of a bureaucracy is when the first person who answers the phone can't help you.

   This Coronavirus is putting me through Purell.

   I don't think of it as losing an hour of sleep this weekend. I think of it as being an hour closer to breakfast.

   Man with Corona Virus seeks women with Lyme disease

   I used to drink a lot in the '80's. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?

   The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit the Corona virus and should not be quarantined any longer. WHO let the dogs out

   Daylight Saving Time arrives tomorrow. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it 8 months.

   Remember last election they said its Bernie or bust. So they voted for trump. Its still going to be Bernie or bust. So they will reelect trump before joe.

   Four years are almost up. Are we richer beyond belief yet? Are we moving on up? Are we getting that deluxe apartment in the sky? Did we finally get a piece of that pie? Uh huh, I thought so.

   I gotta give him credit. He sure knows how to lie like a politician.

   I think it's amazing that the average person can now be launched into space on a rocket ship, I mean the average person with 20 million dollars to blow.

   Breaking news: Mail order brides from China are now up to 75% off!

   It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!? Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

   hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a Walmart men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

   [in crowded elevator] Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

   [Jesus breaks bread] This is my body [Jesus pours wine] This is my blood [Jesus brings out Alex Trebek] and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

   Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

   Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall...