Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I pray is that when I die the death certificate does not contain the phrases "straining at stool" or "unusual mummification".

   When you weigh under 150 pounds in prison you're literally doing hard time.

   Dallas Morning News reports that Tony Romo is on a liquid diet to prevent choking.

   Guys, clean up your!̸̶͚͖͖̩̻̩̗͍̮̙̈͊͛̈͒̍̐ͣͩ̋ͨ̓̊̌̈̊́̚͝͠ͅ ̷̧̢̛͖̤̟̺̫̗͚̗͖ͪ̏̔̔̒́ͥ̓ͫ̀ͤ̇ͥ͝ ̡̊͛̇ ͫ̉ͦ̊̀̔ͧͮ͆̽ͦͩ͋̌͗̚̚҉̵͖̟͙̮͈̼̹̞͝ͅscreen ;D

   Not everyone who plays with you is on your team.

   I get offended when people assume I think and care about them.Who died and made you money?

   Adults Only!!!! BRA AND BAR... <Both have same letters of the alphabet <Both are drinking zones <Both have restricted times for opening and closing <But when opened,both make men crazy. CHEERS!

   The inventor of Doritos is dead. Somewhere, the inventor of Bugles is playing "Taps."

   I bet you didn't know that women can get b o n e r s...True story... They get them right in their mouth.

   I can't believe that one of Michael Jackson's Doctors is on trial..........and it's not his plastic surgeon!

   i dont have trust issues, I just know people who have lying issues

   to the guy who made the "16-bit dinosaurs" music video, What were you smoking?, How much have you been Smoking? Can I have some?

   The levity of MOM saying just wait to you have kids someday and I hope they ...................................... OMG !!!!!!!!!!

   The epitome of laziness is vacuuming your kitchen floor. Yeah, I've done it.

   They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.

   Whenever I send a picture of my wiener to a woman, I hold it next to baby corn so she thinks I can afford full-size corn....)

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I'd love to punch in the face.

   No officer, I'm not BRIBING you. I'm TIPPING you, for your excellent service to this community."

   The one time I tried yoga, I twisted my asscheeks. Several ladies remain cross-eyed to this day.

   i thoguht of a good halloween costume...rent the horse costume but only wear the back half...tell everyone "im my ex"