Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought I had an STD but the doctor said it was just rust.

   The harder you fall..... the higher you bounce!!

   I may be driving slowly... but I am still ahead of you!!!

   While carving a pumpkin on her front porch swing this morning, my neighbor's smiling 8-year-old daughter looked up at me and mumbled: "On the playground, this is what happens to snitches."

   Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup? Waiter : I wouldn't know sir; I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

   If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him.... is he still wrong?!

   Never mess up an apology with an excuse!

   My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician!!

   just sneezed out a huge snot bubble in front of a client, so I panicked, sucked it back up my nose, and yelled "TA-DA!". Good save?

   Your Proctologist called and left a message, they found your head!

   I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting

   I hate long walks on beaches, picnics suck, dinner and a movie costs too much, I expect my woman to make me a sandwich, bring me a beer and not say a word while I'm watching the game.~ Honest guys eHarmny profile

   The road less traveled does not have 3G. I'm turning around.

   If I had a nickel for every GEICO commercial I've ever seen, I could buy us all car insurance.

   After exposure to the cast of 'Jersey Shore' an Italian Jury has decided that Amanda Knox isn't so bad after all.

   I spanked myself twice before I left the house today so if you see me being naughty, chill out; I've dealt with it.

   I'm allergic to photos of your cat.

   Don't Facebook your problems, FACE THEM!

   If ants are so busy, why do they go to so many picnics?

   Received a wrong number call at 6am. I now have them on speed dial to drunk dial at 2am.