Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MAN RULE 102: No man shall describe another man as cute or handsome.

   Side-Chick-Text: “You just deleted my post on your Facebook wall. Why are you trying to hide me?”

   Seriously, Why the f*ck would you give somebody 244 years in prison?

   I need a guy to give me a hug and say " Sorry my whole gender sucks"

   MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

   ill show my neighbor where to stick his subwoofer, bass or whatever he has...ill turn the volume up all the way this time

   Today's sh!tty attitude is proudly sponsored by the alarm clock.

   seeing a women breast feeding is like seeing an eclipse, its rare, its beautiful... but what ever you do, dont stare at it...

   I didn't say it was the best sex I ever had,I said you did your best.

   What a tattoo on your face really means: "I've gone as far in society as I'd like to."

   Just curious, how many weeks can you wear the same pair of jeans before it's gross?

   At this point I view every photo of myself as a “before” photo.

   I washed my car today, just so the birds could have a clean place to $hit...

   Whenever I'm driving and I see a baby stroller in someones trash I always think. Oh boy... someone f***ed up.

   It's like, okay, we get it, I'm a terrible driver and I almost murdered you with my car. Can I go get ice cream now?

   The only time it's cool to yell “I have diarrhea!” is when you're playing Scrabble.

   It's amazing how a good a fat person can look... Once their skinny!

   If you voted for OBAMA to let people know your not a rascist, Then vote Republican to let people know your not an idiot !!!

   Amanda Knox had killer home coming in Seatle.

   God could've saved us a lot of time by just giving us one commandment. Thou shalt not enjoy thyself.