Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just once I would like to step on the gas and run the slow all take all day to cross the street person over ...!!!!!

   If bars can say no to drunk people why won't McDonalds say no to fat people?

   LIKE if you do this :: *Wrong password.* “OMG SOMEONE HAS HACKED ME! “Oh, it's on caps lock…

   Hey Facebook Friends, what's the best gym to pretend that you go to?

   My goldfish is either planking or dead.

   lots of chicks have big fat titties. the ass is where its at. if you have to ask what "it" is, run along now.

   Why is my local porn store having a “Back to School” sale?

   Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

   Just learned the hard way that “Cajun-style” is not a quality you want in a proctology exam.

   Just found the first honest psychic hotline that told me I would soon regret giving them my credit card number.

   Look. If there's a guy wearing a diamond dog collar in his profile pic, he's got a friend request coming from me. Period.

   Picture's of the queen naked...wait! This is'nt Google...OOps!

   Diaper change epiphany: Corn can't possibly have any nutritional value.

   People don't leave bad relationships, but they leave bad partners.

   I Participated in a food drive today..went to Harvey's..umm delicious..!!

   My four keys to a successful marriage are: 1) A garage key. 2) A car key. 3) An office key. 4) And a key to your girlfriend's apartment.

   With the memories that most women claim to have, I'm always surprised to hear them talk about losing their virginity.

   Man Fact: Even if a Man notices that another Man's fly is down, he will Never tell him out of fear of the follow-up question, "Why are you looking there?"....

   I like Bieber's older heavier stuff.

   For a 3 hour breast exam call ...free touchy 1