Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember, life isn't about accumulating stuff. It's about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.

   Beer commercials never show anyone drunk. Not after a divorce, being fired or losing a child in a tragic loose trophy shelf accident.

   *Food hits ground* Germ: “GET IT!!!” King germ: “No, you have to wait at least 5 seconds!”

   I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect

   My life is not a failure. I am just compiling a comprehensive list of things that did not work as planned.

   How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven. Why? COS IT JUST DOES OKAY......!!!!!!!!

   Holding ALT and pressing F4 will fix all of your facebook problems...Your Welcome :)

   changed my relationship with Facebook to "Its complicated"

   Please everyone..don't forget to let everyone know when you take a crap. Facebook wants us to know EVERYTHING about each other :/

   I never got the expression "complete idiot". Ermm....Is there an Incomplete version?

   Something about the person(s) telling me to quit complaining about making some guy I've never met rich from my "free" social activities, makes me want to sock someone in the neck.

   Say what you want... Yes we all love Facebook.... And we can complain if we want... If it wasn't for us FB users that are complaining... It would just be another My(waste of)space... And FYI... The advertising pays the bills....

   if only I could lose weight as fast as I lose money

   This is your status on the old FB. ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ʍǝu ǝɥʇ uo snʇɐʇs ɹnoʎ sı sıɥʇ....Any questions?

   FYI - Tomorrow is Hard Hat Friday......

   Oh great....I just heard a satellite the size of a bus is expected to crash somewhere on earth tomorrow. Wear a hat!!

   Some guy says to his teenage daughter “There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome' and the other is ‘gross'.” “Okay,” she says, “what are they?”

   Gays wear their boxes on backwards for easy access.

   If something goes without saying, why mention it?

   Don't really care too much about the new fb update but is there a way to "subscribe" to positive only updates? Filter out the complainers, negative-nancys, shoe-taggers, and crybabies?