Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.

   I like to go to the store, ask for help, get real close to the employee and whisper "Where is your lice medicine" just for the reaction

   dont laugh at ur friends if they start sounding like chicken little this next week..."the sky is falling"

   When women talk to each other, the devil sits in a corner, quietly listening and learning.

   I DIDN'T SAY THAT YOUR GIRL WAS A $LUT! I MERELY INDICATED THAT HER "PRIVATE PARTS" WERE MORE LIKE "PUBLIC PARTS"

   My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

   Thanks Facebook for reporting my friends non-important events in real time :( Pretty certain that is the definition of tattling!

   I took my ex Eileen to an orgy party one time, You should have seen the mess she was in when they started playing Dexy's midnight runners every 10min

   Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "did she really just say that?"

   I was going to type the best status message ever! It was going to be profound, changing, maybe even life altering. But then all of the sudden...I had to poop!

   Green grape says to the purple grape "breathe idiot , breathe!!!

   Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. MY question, why didn't the cameraman help her up?

   wondering why is it that men can shoot a deer between the eyes from 100 feet away but they always miss the toilet bowl?

   Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it while spending so much energy on recycling..

   ladies first is just a polite way of saying I want to know how tight are those buns..

   Let us cultivate love and compassion, both of which give life true meaning, just like beer and bacon...

   I have time to get a few hours of sleep before I need to get ready for work. Bed get ready because this needs to be quick and meaningful....just like when I dream I am having sex...

   I'm gonna laugh if this satellite hit japan.

   Wonders why so many people are freaking out as a result of the Facebook changes. This may be a good indicator that what you really need is a life.

   Ladies, Don't ever tell your man that you don't mind if he looks at other women. He'll remember that sh!t better than his social security number.