Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just curious, how many weeks can you wear the same pair of jeans before it's gross?

   At this point I view every photo of myself as a “before” photo.

   I washed my car today, just so the birds could have a clean place to $hit...

   Whenever I'm driving and I see a baby stroller in someones trash I always think. Oh boy... someone f***ed up.

   It's like, okay, we get it, I'm a terrible driver and I almost murdered you with my car. Can I go get ice cream now?

   The only time it's cool to yell “I have diarrhea!” is when you're playing Scrabble.

   It's amazing how a good a fat person can look... Once their skinny!

   If you voted for OBAMA to let people know your not a rascist, Then vote Republican to let people know your not an idiot !!!

   Amanda Knox had killer home coming in Seatle.

   God could've saved us a lot of time by just giving us one commandment. Thou shalt not enjoy thyself.

   I wish the mailman would come to my house at the same time as the garbage man so he could give my mail directly to him.

   These dating sites keep setting me up with weirdos, then I realized that they match you with people with similar interests.

   This guy I know has worse breath than my dog, and my dog can reach around and lick his own ass

   I woke up in the middle of the night & wrote 2 status ideas down on paper. I need help

   I ate so much candy corn yesterday, I just pooped a candle

   Since I can't get my illiterate coworker use spell check, I set his email signature to say "Sent from my phone, pardon any typos"

   If having Rainbow Bright stickers on my face is wrong, I don't want to be right

   If you truly love someone you roll down the window to scoop out the fart you put in the car.

   Why does everyone love dolphins so much? They're mammals that can breathe under water and they're smarter than us. We should be worried.

   A man asked a prostitute, “How much is one round?” The Prostitute replies,"100 on the bed, 50 on the sofa and 20 on the floor. The man gives her 100 and the Prostitute says, 'Wow a classy guy' The man replies, “classy my a$$, I want 5 times on the