Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!

   Whenever I go through a junk drawer and see things like a battery, a paper clip, several old rubberbands, an old watch, and a glasses repair kit I always wonder-WWMD? What would MacGuyver do?

   Those damn NASA Scientists couldnt tell me where the satellite was landing...now have to figure out alternative ways of getting rid of my ex

   just heard the weather news, a chance of rain and dead satellite falling in the US.

   The wife and I just sat in a hot car and bickered for six hours. It was the same as going on vacation except we saved $1000.

   You know what I really hate? When I miss someones call by a few minutes and when I call back they don't answer

   I hate it when teachers say, “You think it's funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn't I wouldn't be laughing…

   Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!

   I removed my windshield wipers and now I don't get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!

   My advice for pretty much anything that's broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".

   Just got off the phone with my bookie. If the space junk hits any of the members of Nickelback I will be a very wealthy man.

   "You are very squishy. So I shall name you squishy. And you shall be my little squishy."

   Couldn't afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

   I'm creeped out by the Hamburger Helper glove. "Hi, I'm a dismembered hand here to help out with dinner." No thanks.

   If you wear diapers.. I'm pretty sure you're a liberal

   Dude calls into work and says to the boss, 'I'm calling in sick', the boss says, 'how sick are you', dude says, 'I'm in bed with my sister, you be the judge'.

   Dear Facebook...All we asked for was a Dislike button.. Not more options on how to stalk people!

   Wow The ones u'd take a bullet for are the ones holding the trigger!!

   Jeeze! You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore! FML!

   Q.) What's the speed limit of s3x? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.