Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amanda Knox had killer home coming in Seatle.

   God could've saved us a lot of time by just giving us one commandment. Thou shalt not enjoy thyself.

   I wish the mailman would come to my house at the same time as the garbage man so he could give my mail directly to him.

   These dating sites keep setting me up with weirdos, then I realized that they match you with people with similar interests.

   This guy I know has worse breath than my dog, and my dog can reach around and lick his own ass

   I woke up in the middle of the night & wrote 2 status ideas down on paper. I need help

   I ate so much candy corn yesterday, I just pooped a candle

   Since I can't get my illiterate coworker use spell check, I set his email signature to say "Sent from my phone, pardon any typos"

   If having Rainbow Bright stickers on my face is wrong, I don't want to be right

   If you truly love someone you roll down the window to scoop out the fart you put in the car.

   Why does everyone love dolphins so much? They're mammals that can breathe under water and they're smarter than us. We should be worried.

   A man asked a prostitute, “How much is one round?” The Prostitute replies,"100 on the bed, 50 on the sofa and 20 on the floor. The man gives her 100 and the Prostitute says, 'Wow a classy guy' The man replies, “classy my a$$, I want 5 times on the

   I am going to tell you a little secret; it doesn't cost a single dime to mind your own business.

   Sometimes I hate being around interesting people because it means I have to try and be interesting too.

   I can choose to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me or I can choose to move the f*ck on and leave it behind me.

   Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive

   The heart is a msucle. What do muscles do when they are torn? Brow back stronger

   Be my Facebook Friend, NOT a Spy or a Hater.

   Trying really hard to have a good day. There is not nearly enough genital touching going on for that to happen though.

   Just discovered there is a level of sadness where happy songs are way more depressing than sad songs.