Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.

   Q. What causes men to cheat? A. Women

   Honk if you love a peaceful and quiet drive.

   Nobody ever notices what you do at work but they sure as he!! notice when you don't do it.

   "Luke, I am your Father...and your Uncle"- Redneck Darth Vader

   Putting on & taking off skinny jeans should be an Olympic sport.

   It's one hell of a crime if you're ugly with a bad attitude at the same time.

   MEN: Stop lying about what you do.. WOMEN: Stop lying about what you don't.

   I always pretend to see the babies in the Ultra-sound.

   You girls that say diamonds are your best friend, obviously never had a good D!ck

   I will never understand why people go out..Get drunk.. And by the end of the night end up putting their faces where people go to the bathroom....It boggles my mind!

   I won't ever drink nasty Pumkin Ale again. The taste makes me think of The Great Pumpkin standing at a urinal.

   Today in the car my nephews taught me that SlugBug and Perdidle weren't the only car ride punch games. There's also CruiserBruiser, RamBam, MustangBang, and ChevyShoves. So I made up the HumrBumr and the Haiyundai Chop. Uncles can do that you know.

   Catholic." ... ... ... He says, "Yes, I'm single & Catholic!" The nun kisses the driver then asks why he is crying. I lied. I must confess I'm married & I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin & I'm going to a Halloween party!"

   How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

   "Hi Welcome to Starbucks!" "Yeaaah, I'll have a Café- Mocha Vodka-Marjiuana Latte to go please." Um Sir we don't have that" Oh I'm sorry I meant a Pumkin Spice Latte"

   You've been rejected more times than the Chinese guy that stands in the mall food court trying to hand out samples of bourbon chicken.

   69 - Some may call it nasty but I call it a romantic dinner for 2.

   What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

   They say that the odds of the satellite hitting a human is HIGHER than winning the lottery... So what are the odds of winning the lotto, then walking outside and being hit by the satellite?