Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Married women think I'm way too awesome to be single. Single women don't give a sh!t what married women think. Life is still stupid.

   just purchased one of those anti-bullying bracelets to show support, Okay, Fine I didn't buy it. I stole it from a short, fat, little Ginger kid

   iMac, iPod, iPhone, iCloud, iPad and today... iSad

   going to a halloween party with my girlfriend. I'm weraing nothing but a skillet tied around my waist and she's wearing nothing but a pair of boots. Going as Peter Pan and Puss in Boots.

   Sarah Palin: "A presidenty run would halter my abilitation to share common-sense smartitudes in a time of economical fizzle splatz."

   Women; because its not gonna suck itself

   Whenever a women's magazine has a "Sex Tips to Drive Him Wild!" article, it always just says "Put your finger up his butt."

   That was insensitive. I asked you to stop being stupid without considering how incredibly difficult that must be for you.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don't kill him.”

   Zebras are just living, breathing barcodes.

   Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don't worry, because that's bad for you too.

   whats the difference between "Batman" and a "Blackman"? well Batman can always walk into a store without "Robin"

   You might be a redneck if : the Halloween pumpkin on you porch has more teeth than your spouse .

   I said.." I want a friend with benefits"..not "a friend on benefits"

   I finally saw my 1st Porn the other day,wow I just can't get over how young I looked back then !!

   I wrote you a song, man was it tough finding something to rhyme with "Bar Skank"

   I'm going to a Halloween party without a shirt, so when people ask what I'm supposed to be I can say a premature ejaculation... I just came in my pants.

   If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So... yeah.. don't bother reserving a spot in your life for me.

   I can't go to Hell, Satan still has that restraining order against me.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.