Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "what if your pillow could collect your dreams and when you wake up you plug it into your computer and watch them over again" YES

   I blame my parents subscription to National Geographic when I was a kid for my preference for black women.

   “Use divorce, Luke.” – Obi Wan, marriage counselor

   Some people repeat themselves when they're drunk & some people repeat themselves when they're drunk.

   At 3 years we say, ''Mommy I love you." At 10 years we say, ''Mom, whatever." 16 years we say, "My mom is so annoying!" At 18 years we say, "I'm leaving this house." At 25 years we say ''Mom, you were right''. At 30 years we say "'I want to go to Mom's ho

   I went to the doctors the other day fearing I mave have gotten an S.T.D., he asked if I used protection....Well obviously, duh...... gloves, ski-mask, dark clothing, chloroform....

   Man: I dont have a condom Girl: Its fine I am ready to be a mom Man: Oh sh*t wait, never mind I found one

   Boy: "How can I prove that I love you?" Girl: "Stop playing video games”.....Boy: "Get the fu*k out"

   That weird moment when you're talking in class, then your friend stops talking & you see that your teacher is looking right at u

   I hope you brought an umbrella..cause it's rainin' cold,hard facts up in here.

   Google: I have everything! Facebook: I know everybody! Internet: Without me you are nothing! Electricity: Keep talking!

   oh look at the time, it's time to not care

   and asks the bartender, "how much for a drink?" A neutrino walks into a bar

   LIKE if you text someone a paragraph and then 30 minutes later you get a damn lame reply saying "LOL".

   Everyone does about ten sit ups every morning. It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

   My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.

   Rumors are the sauce of a dry life.

   When I drop my phone, I act like I've dropped a new born baby.

   What are the benefits of these gold membership services for facebook? Will I have people digging for gold on my virtual farm?

   I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days