Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think my wife is hot you should see my girlfriend.

   If you consider yourself a percetage of the US, then you're really just worthless to it.

   To all who lose constantly, never knowing victory, never experiencing a win. You are the champion of that.

   "Our instruments can make sounds!" --all sh!tty indie rock bands.

   Ever want to click on someones status and edit it for them?

   It's time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones.

   I know the exact day I gave up following the path of least resistance. It's on my birth certificate.

   They always say never work with animals or kids, this is especially true in porn. :/

   Lets extend a warm 'Welcome Back' to our Blackberry friends who were momentarily lost in the technology wilderness for the past 20 Hours.

   SORRY should only be said when it's not going to happen again. Not when you just want to be given another chance to mess up again.

   I was working and suddenly I am on Facebook.

   Procrastination is a disease! I'll do something about it tomorrow.

   I think that gal Flo from the progressive insurance commercials is hot! The same goes for Dee Dee Doodle that smoking hot purple gal with the pink hair and big hands on doodlebops! Yea this abstinance thing I am on is working out great???!!!!

   Psychiatric labels are nice way of sugar coating the fact that some people are just plain a$$holes.

   When I watch "Footloose" all I can think is, "They allow dancing one town over. Just go there."

   Dear Apple, today would be the perfect day to bring out the new iphone to 'prove' that it's better than blackberry

   Everyone has that one special person in their life who keeps them looking forward to another day. If you don't then maybe that special person is yourself.

   Hey Amish person reading this: Busted!

   I think women are born with the right to warm their cold toes on men.

   The planet Saturn = 7 rings, Michael Jordan = 6 rings, Kobe Bryant = 5 rings, LeBron James.........Just a Headband.