Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Roses are red, violets are blue, GET IN THE VAN!!!!!

   My G.P.S...Does not know ..how to get to Sesame Street,,,??

   "Party at my crib @ 2am" -on a baby shirt

   You're as useless as pants on a hooker..

   Aah cute! A little spider crawling on my screen...RIP little one

   Yo mama is so fat even her pictures are heavy.

   You're as useless as the “ay” in “okay”!!

   If you ask me, Spongebob Squarepants is not a Sponge, he a Tampon.

   3 Jobs that changed the world: HAND, BLOW and STEVE!

   Man Law #236: Unless you last name is "Van Damme" grown a$$ men don't do the splits...

   just read that the Raiders Organization says they will have an open casket for Al Davis....most people won't know the difference anyway

   I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

   At school we learn that the sun rises in the east but in fact, the sun neither rises nor sets. Only earth rotates. Education spoils our common sense sometimes.

   Loving someone who does not love you back is like waiting for a ship at the airport.

   Pain changes people. Don't hurt them if you don't want them to change on you.

   All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.

   Who know why there are so Many Birthdays in October? Simply because valentine day was nine months Ago people who are born in this month most be called fruit of love ;)

   My wife said, "I want you to toast some bread for me." So I raised my wine glass and said, "To bread!"

   So October is Breast Cancer Awareness month... Please take a pic of your boobs in your favorite bra and post them on my page titled "Save These!" Thank you in advance for showing your support ;)

   Instead of "lol" try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud