Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can almost pass a lie detector test if you answer every question with "go fish."

   Today looks like a good day to do all the nothing I have planned.

   My 300 lb. sister got a belly ring. I peeked at the receipt, it was from U-Haul. She got a hitch.

   I didn't sleep very well last night. everybody's going to get a shamwow and pajama jeans for christmas. damn you infomercials!!!!

   Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex! Now that I have your full attention, its weekend for god's sake, log off and go out there and enjoy your life dammit!

   She's not a ‘stop-along-the-way' She's my destination.

   Please stand on your head now. Hurry. 370HSSV 0773H

   Some people are so strange. If you've seen a posted joke before... don't comment, just ignore it and move on.

   The first time I saw my ex in a thong I had to pay a cover charge....to see that same thong on her today, I would have to pay a surgeon!!

   got arrested last night...apparently pushing a hot wheel down the highway at 3 a.m. is frowned upon

   wondering what would have happened if we quit posting on page 2012...

   If anyone hears a loud wailing noises don't worry , it's just me paying my bills .

   Live everyday like it's your last because one day you'll be right!

   I'm not trying to be perfect, I'm trying to be better than I was the day before.

   The worst sight in the world is...SEEING YOUR MOTHER CRY.

   mad the only time people like stufff is if it's BAD... :\

   Chill bro, I don't want your girlfriend...actually, no one wants your girlfriend, that's why she's with you.

   Farts are the screams of trapped poo.

   Don't get overly excited whenever someone invites you over to hangout. It coud be you are just an option for when they are bored.

   I turn my pillow several times in the night because I like the cold side.