Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder who's forehead would win in a head-butting contest between Tyra Banks and Rihanna?

   instead of watches, Timex should make hearts..."takes a cheatin & keep on beatin...takes a dumpin & keep on pumpin

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo

   My wife thinks I'm at work. My boss thinks I'm home sick. These ducks think I'm awesome because I have the bread.

   When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know.

   You know those people that you have to explain every joke to? Let's kill them.

   4 hour naps suck! I don't even know whether it's daytime still or night time already...

   let's be honest half of us didn't even know who Steve Jobs was until he died...

   congratulations Vodka man! You've just been named public enemy number 1 in a matter of 10 minutes...

   There is perhaps nothing more annoying then listening to a great song on Youtube and decidding to vote up a comment you agree with, only to be taken away from the video to a login page prompting you for your username/password.

   If you think about it Johnny Bravo would be perfect for Jersey Shore.

   Asked my teacher if I was interrupting. She said, "No, I'm just grading some cheese!!"

   It's annoying when you think of an awesome idea or thing to do and within the next few minutes, you completely forget what it was, but the memory of how awesome it was stil lingers..

   If you're a midget, and you don't dress up as a leprechaun and hand out chocolate gold coins for Halloween, you're just being selfish!

   Not sure if girl is posting song lyrics.....or about to kill herself -__-

   I tried to change my password to PE-NIS but the computer said it wasn't long enough

   I got some really nice jewelry for my wife. Best. Trade. Ever!

   I'm not sayin she's the fattest girl I've ever seen but if I had to name the top 5, shed be the first 3..

   Prostate cancer. What color bracelet do I buy to support you?

   I'm worried that if I give up smoking I'll replace it with murdering.