Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   moonwalking away after mugging someone because you're a smooth criminal

   i think I spend more time looking for a movie on netflix then actually watching

   when one of the selling features of a hotel room is "working smoke detectors", best take your $50 elsewhere

   NBA cancels first two weeks of the season. I hope Kim and Khloe are gonna be ok........

   It's pretty sad when someone's idea of "meeting new people" consists of adding everyone in the People You May Know tool....

   The NBA has canceled the first two weeks of the regular season. In a related story who cares.

   ___\(._.\) TO THE WINDOWS (/._.)/ TO THE WALL…

   10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

   I love Fig Newtons. Yes, You might say i'm a "FIGGIT".

   I don't just think of them as my children, but also, God forbid, as a human shield.

   The Kids nowadays play around so young they're making Birth control pills shaped like Fred Flintstone.

   The New York City protesters look like GOD picked up a Wallmart and dumped it on Wall Street.

   My eye's feel like they need a kickstand.

   I think greedy people need to be shot on sight with a bazooka full of exploding sh!t.

   just taken a ride in the WAWA hoagie baloon.

   Women are like a box of chocolates... you dont know if they are gonna be good unless you finger them all.

   Just ate some candy corn and am sick of Halloween already.

   My wife said she'd give me a Golden shower if I take her to Golden Corral.

   Two men broke in Whoopi's house, She yelled Rape, They screamed no

   The signs of a good plate of nachos? When you turn your plate 3 or 4 times and have NO idea where to start!!