Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My feet must be gross. I can only get the wife to rub them if i'm wearing clean socks, but if one of the kids puke, she will catch it in her hands to avoid a mess.

   1 tequila, 2 tequilas, 3 tequiklas, 4 teuiqlas, 5 teuiqlsd, 6 teiqulkss, 7 eteiqlas, 8 treqiklas, 9 trwqiukas 10 trewqiÃ...

   wants to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put push-pins in all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

   watching Benjamin Button for the hundredth time. Never gets old.

   wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"

   Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.

   I hate the people that cover up their answers, Like c'mon.. Lets work together bro..

   Why don't you go buy a diary Instead of posting your whole life story on Facebook?

   To Tweet.. or Not to Tweet..? That is the question... Whoa..Wait! I DID NOT just Say that!

   My WTF moment of the day... Two pretty girls poke me..Then proceed to slap a fresh pic of them with their Bf on their wall.. wtf!

   Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

   Does anyone else feel like their in a horror movie... EVERYTIME they step in the shower? Or is it just me?

   getting suspicious of my wife. Every time I come home early our parrot yells, Quick, Out the window.

   its National Coming Out Day. What ever you do don't take that call from Grandma. Trust Me on this.

   For a long time dogs were a mans best friend. Then porn took over.

   Muslim sex dolls are the by far the best. Not only are they all virgins, but they blow themselves up!

   Sorry hun but I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn I'm more of a casino were only the lucky ones hit the jackpot

   Hummer: The best way to prove that you can have money AND bad taste.

   I haven't shenaniganned in about six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-done-well, just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing... but yup, its time to Shenanagin again.

   Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy? A. He did okay until his business fell off.