Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If CVS and Walgreens sold gas, they would be perfect

   Why does the weather man try and educate me on mother nature? Bro, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow... hoodie or jacket...

   I really think I am gonna get a knock on my front door one day and the person saying "We have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"

   The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?

   I hope Jerry Jones is driving the stagecoach when the Cowboys organization finally pulls it together and sends Romo off into the sunset.

   no! I will not dress all fancy shmancy just to go to wal mart

   I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent... twisted... gyrated... jumped up and down... and perspired for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on.... the class was over!

   A recent study says that weight loss dramatically boosts men's sexual health. So start hitting the gym, ladies.

   That uneasy moment when you get into a van and there isn't any candy...

   We all want the shining red apple at the top of the tree, but sometimes we got to settle for what's on the lower branch, or in some cases we take what's already lying on the ground.

   Going to a strip club when your married is like going to mercedes dealership and not being able to to take one home.

   I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say 'I would do anything for love'. On the back, 'But I wont do that!'

   My ex-wife said I treated her like a possession. As I stared at the searing hot end of my branding iron, I somehow felt incapable of denying this....

   Even straight guys have a gay side.. I have never seen a good lookin group of guys.. With one ugly guy in it..

   I was told it was Breast Awareness Month... sounds like a great thing... but was already fully aware of them...

   Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What's your name?!

   You're not yourself today... I noticed the improvement immediately!!

   Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!

   I dress to kill.... and have been told I cook the same way!

   There is always a lesson to be learned from every mistake. What is that lesson? That you are a failure.