Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This laundry detergent says I get 20oz free, but the cashier says I still have to buy the whole bottle. :(

   Just because your neighbors aren't on vacation doesn't mean you still can't go through their mail.

   Trying to explain to my blackberry with the death of Mr. Jobs that usually we take a MOMENT of silence not DAYS!!

   If it begins with Twi, Bieb, or Kardash, I'm not interested.

   I get re-pissed about an old situation whenever I have a flashback about it.

   The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

   Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.

   Every morning I long to hold you, I need you, I want you, I love your warmth... your smell, your taste... Ohhh coffee I love you. Good Morning!

   Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

   what's the difference between 'fat chance' and 'slim chance'?

   More SAD NEWS for the music industry: Soulja Boy is working on a new album.

   life is all about ass. You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it or trying to get a piece of it.

   I like mario. he's cool. he's all like " hello, I'm maaarrio, I'm a Italian plumber created by japanese people, who speaks English and looks like a Mexican."

   My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"

   My daughter came home from school and said that a boy showed her his pen!s. She said it reminded her of a peanut. I said, "Why, was it small? She said, "No, it was salty."

   If these walls could talk, they'd say "OH GOD, This HURTS! Get these nails out of me! Why did you paint me Mauve? Make it stop!"

   When I see a hot girl in a Movie or on T. V, I google her name to see if she has any nude pics.

   Women are completely cute and defenseless..... Until the nail polish dries up.

   In London, England The Big Ben clock tower is leaning, and it's getting worse. This Political Question comes to mind: Is it leaning to the Right or the Left?

   I'm not drunk. I'm just tired from.....ah who am I kidding, I'm drunk!