Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm terrified when I hear something was made with "secret sauce."

   The Swedish Chef is the greatest Muppet of all time. END OF DISCUSSION.

   If I were Zorro, I'd hand out business cards with a Z on them. That way I wouldn't have to take my sword everywhere.

   A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !!

   It's been years since I've seen Dora The Explorer... I think she got deported.

   What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association

   Useless people are the worst complainers

   I type so badly that my auto-correct feature has a standard response of "WTF?".

   Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I'm feeling great. So it's all good.

   I was jammin out at work with my iPod when a coworker walked in smiling at me. I pointed to my ear piece and said "Hoobastank." She frowned at me and said, "Well, it's certainly NOT mine." and stormed out of my office.

   Facebook looks so boring on the outside. But once you start using it, IT'S LIKE NARNIA BRO!

   You don't have to like me, because I'm gonna force you to eventually.

   Ever want to smash someones face in with a jar of mayonnaise? I do all the time.

   Don't worry about avoiding temptation. After I have slept with you once I will avoid you.

   We may love the wrong person, cry for the wrong reason. But one thing is sure, mistakes help to teach us that relationships are complete bullsh!t!

   In the strange event that you are buying condoms. Make sure they say 'bareskin' and not 'bearskin' trust me on this one.

   On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

   ‎"When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connnected in the great Circle of Life..." You know now that I'm older this circle of life doesn't really seem that balanced... Especially if your the antelope

   Summer's Eve announced a new douche infused with THC, anti-perspirant, & KFC... It leaves you fresh, high, dry, and finger lickin' good!

   Just joined the support group Hokey pokey Anonymous ..A place to turn yourself around..***