Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I spanked myself twice before I left the house today so if you see me being naughty, chill out; I've dealt with it.

   I'm allergic to photos of your cat.

   Don't Facebook your problems, FACE THEM!

   If ants are so busy, why do they go to so many picnics?

   Received a wrong number call at 6am. I now have them on speed dial to drunk dial at 2am.

   I always hit "ignore call" with my middle finger.

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that." - Life

   You know how sometimes you can just tell when someone's had enough of you for one day, so you back off and leave them alone? Me neither.

   i write like this and not "lYk DiS" because I'm an adult and I'm not retarded

   hates people that take drugs… customs for example

   My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update as the search bar.

   Seduce my mind and you can have my body. Find my soul and I'm yours.

   Lazy rule #1257687895 : You so lazy you didn't complete reading the number!

   I personally think that Hank Jr is just laying the groundwork for a stint on Dancing With the Stars........

   The worst part about the Hank Williams Jr remarks and backlash is that Toby Keith will most likely write a song about it now....

   Look. If there's a chick wearing a dog collar in her profile pic, she's got a friend request coming from me. Period.

   4 shots of 5 hour energy this morning, not only do I look like I have Parkinsons, but I can actually see sound waves resonating when people talk to me.

   Q. What's DNA stand for? A. National Dyslexics Association

   Tomorrow is not guaranteed - and that applies to relationships too. Love for today for tomorrow you may break up.

   Strive to make your dreams and your reality one and the same!