Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't friend request someone just because they have a pretty face. I friend request them if they have a pretty face and big t*ts.

   Lot of Cruz missiles being launched from DFW the past week...

   Facebook stalking is lame. It also takes all the fun out of physical stalking.

   Blessed are the young, For they shall inherit the National debt.

   Just explained Twitter to my friend. I don't think I did it right, as he's excited to sign up.

   If I ever have to pay FaceBook to see what my friends are up to, we will be meeting back at the bar!

   Maybe if I look like i'm going to shoplift, I can get some help in the electronics section at Target.

   Female gamers need to get off their high horse. There are a million girls who like gaming, and it doesn't make them "special" or "cool". It just makes them a girl who happens to like video games.

   Guys: boobs are like Wendy's; "You know when it's real,"

   Sending Right Guard, toothpaste and soap to wall street.

   I just had an epifanny. I realized I can't spell epifanny.

   I'm pretty sure Dora the Explorer is teaching kids the wrong idea, because I tried rapist no raping the other day…. It didn't go well.

   There's that moment of awesome when you get an A on the test... and then you realize you were given someone elses' test...

   It sucks when you make a really awesome post but then someone steals your glory with an even better comment.

   You know when you have to wash the dishes when you are eating salad out of a coffee cup.

   Dreams: are always getting to the best part, and then you wake up.

   Sometimes you just need someone to tell you you're not a loser and are worth a little more than crap.

   I didnt think there was a winner at the game of fetch until I threw the ball and it bounced off the wall and hit me in my face giving me a bloody nose AND black eye... guess the wall won this round

   Because of the constant rubbing of tectonic plates, the earth has volcanic ejaculations.

   When someone posts pictures of a dance or something, you always look through them to see if you are in the background.