Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't tell me to make myself at home if you don't want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.

   I don't remember anything past "we have 60 minutes to drink this keg."

   Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this op

   So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding, right?

   I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"

   I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

   There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

   Just for the record, I don't own a turntable anymore.

   When I sing with my headphones in I think, Why don't I have a record deal? Then I take them off and I know why.

   If there's a problem that can't be solved with a freestyle rap battle...Then I want no part of it.

   You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.

   95 % of all my hallucinations have the Banana splits in them.

   Call me old fashioned, but doesn't it seem like people today try marriage on for size? I mean.. your not in a Wallmart dressing room!! 

   Ok it's been almost 30 years, And for the life of me....I still can't understand what Dan Akroyd was doing in the "We are the world" video.

   I hit my snooze button so much on my alarm clock I renamed it Tina Turner.....or Luca.

   It doesn't sound manly for a guy to say he's tweeting on Twitter.

   Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to " Unstable "

   Boy: I wear the pants in this relationship. Girl: yah but I control the damn zipper.

   it rude to throw a breath mint in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   Life is like a can of whipped cream.....you have to shake things up a little before you get anything out of it.