Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a proud supporter of the Occupy sesame street protest.

   I totally agree with the person above lets go to Wall Street with our iphones and record....those cops are gonna be on some Rodney King Sh*t

   She's been pounded more times than Johnny Bench's catchers mitt

   i think we should go to Zuccoti Park in the morning to record how the cops are gonna mistreat the protester!!!!

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise, thereby saving a step in the sandwich making process

   Every year at this time I question who decided this Halloween candy is the "Fun" size. These people must really live a boring existence.

   Its a bit awkward when you don't realize how many curse words and sexual innuendos a song has in it until you're in the car listening to it...with your grandma

   What do you do when your three year old is clinging? Toss her in the dryer with some fabric softener of course!

   school sux more d than the girls that attend it

   I finally slept with my HS Crush but it's kind of weird now because she wants me to go to her graduation.

   Don't you hate it when you're right, but you're the only person in the room that knows it, so as far as everyone is concerned, you're just wrong.

   Blackberry must be a woman cause only a woman can ignore you for 3 days straight and then pretend nothing was wrong.. Next time I will buy a Louis Vuitton cover so she starts talking again.. :-)

   IPods: where 8 GB of memory really means 6.46.

   Even though they have no use for them, guys would look kinda weird without nipples.

   It seems like in movies, when they want a female to look older, they just cut her hair.

   If somebody does a backflip, they automatically become a bada$$.

   There are 7 billion people in this world, don't let one ruin your day.

   A relationship is like standing on wet cement..The longer you stand the more difficult is to leave & even if you leave, you leave your footprints behind.

   A woman interviewing me for a job, was hot, but a real b!tch. She goes, "Are you bi-lingual?" I didn't even want the job at this point, so I said, "Yes, I can lick ur pu$$y and ur a$$hole. "SECURITY!!!!"

   Owls make good pets because they're always interested in your social life. You tell it "guess who I went to the movies with" and it always asks"who?"