Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every woman on earth cheats on her man with suitor named Bob. (BATTERY OPERATED BOYFRIEND)

   My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners when I hand them my plastic cup of vodka.

   Beer makes you smart. It made Bud Wiser.

   The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.

   Sex isn't everything...Unless your not having any...

   During sex my wife likes to talk to me. The other night she called me from a hotel.

   I haven't had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes. It doesn't bother me though.

   My favorite sexual position is "Leaving".

   Men lie about how many women they have been with because they CAN'T remember the exact number...Women lie about how many men they have been with because they CAN remember the exact number....

   Now listen carefully 007, This may look like a normal Blackberry. But it's one that actually works.

   When my wife caught me using a pen1s enlargement cream, she laughed. I told her, "There's no need to rub it in."

   My half-brother has spent twenty-five years saying "Marijuana's not addictive!" Now he's shortened it to "Where's my phone?'

   If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

   This Suri feature on the new I-Phone 4S is too realistic. I had phone sex with her last night and now this morning she's not speaking to me because I didn't hold her afterwards...

   If you can not "paste" don't "copy", you need the ability to "copy and paste" for it to be successful!

   I don't work this hard to stay the same.

   Ladies: Call a man up right now and say "I need some d!ck" I bet you he'll be knocking on your front door before you even hang the phone up.

   we live in a day and age in which we abbreviate everything we say...So I wish you a day of Success, Happiness, Intelligence and Togetherness with your loved ones. Hence I wish you a SHìT day!

   In these days of AIDS and HERPES, there are some people whose ex-lovers you just don't want to mess with for health reasons.

   Her: I don't see you feeling what I say, that leaves a bad taste cuz I smell your bs. Hear me? Me: You just used all 5 senses in 1 sentence.