Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought at this stage of my life, I would have at least one concubine.

   n't it about time Kim Kardashian made another sex tape? I'm starting to forget why she is a national treasure.

   Not sure how to feel about always being the one asked to take the family group photo.

   "I'll bring you home something from work" sounds a lot cooler if you're dating someone who works at Victoria's Secret and not Hardee's.

   I don't cut in front of people whenever I'm waiting in long line, that's rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.

   Son told me last night if I watched one more episode of Glee he was pulling my "Man" card!! I said whats a "Man" card? He says, something that you no longer have.... Kids these days,,,,,,,

   Those crazy five seconds when you stand up too fast and you go blind or get extremely dizzy

   You're not gonna be in a relationship very long if you can't keep YOUR relationship business to yourself.

   Don't ever send me to the store for you if you expect to get your change back.

   When a woman doesn't cry over you anymore, it means another man is making her smile.

   Let's face it ladies, if men walked around with b0ners you'd stare at them too.

   Dear ladies: We are not that hard to find. We are in the friend zone, right where you left us. Sincerely, The nice guys.

   Why do ladies spend so much anger on The Other Woman? They should really be more infuriated with their cheating lover.

   Epic Fail # ur on a date and think you guys are having a moment and move in for the kiss and all you here from here mouth is...what are you doing?...lol

   So now I hear that the world is supposed to end on 21 Oct 2011. There's a greater chance of me growing purple hair, blue teeth and a unicorn horn along with pooping rainbows before I believe that rubbish!

   It's nice when someone can reply to your sarcasm with sarcasm instead of just getting offended.

   Why to guys who wear skinny jeans still hit on girls? They're already in their pants.

   How come when people fill out applications, under "Emergency Contact," nobody ever puts "911"?

   Women are like condoms; if they're not on your d!ck, they're in your wallet.

   Realizing that you aren't that smart after all is a sign of maturity.