Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.

   I can't stand homeless people. I don't feel bad about saying it. I don't mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.

   Men age like fine wine, Women age like milk.

   I married a petite, young beautiful thing. She was eventually eaten by the woman I live with now.

   The doctor told me I was borderline diabetic. So I told the doctor, 'What are you getting racial for? Why do you got to say 'borderline,''cause I'm Mexican? Can't you say 'almost'?'

   My girl wants to change the engagement rules. She tells me, 'Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know I'm taken, and you don't got to wear nothing?' I told her, 'Babe, I wear my sad face every day.'

   Sometimes I like to just sit alone and think about things... I've noticed that if I do it for too long my legs fall asleep and I can't get off the toilet.

   If you live each day, as if it were your last... then one day you will most certainly be right.

   “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most

   The iPhone 4S: "For Steve."

   I will type my name begining with an I in my status in honor of Steve Jobs

   Awesome idea for a new reality show. Amanda Knox and Cassey Anthony locked in a house together. We get to see who makes it out alive.

   People say the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else. Around here the hardest thing to do is replace the empty toilet paper roll and put your dishes in the dishwasher.

   iRIP: Steve Jobs as I sit here and learned about your death straight from the device you have invented the iPhone. Now as you set on your iCloud to the pearly gates. We will remember the greatest entrepreneur of our time. - Sent from my iPhone #1955-2011

   You'll lose a lot of money, chasing women. But you'll never lose women, chasing money.

   Life is harder for the beautiful people. I'm sorry you'll never know.

   That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone's status.

   a womans mind is like a baby's diaper...gets changed many times throughout the day

   Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 

   Before I go to sleep, I start imagining stuff that I would like to happen.