Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you just need someone to tell you you're not a loser and are worth a little more than crap.

   I didnt think there was a winner at the game of fetch until I threw the ball and it bounced off the wall and hit me in my face giving me a bloody nose AND black eye... guess the wall won this round

   Because of the constant rubbing of tectonic plates, the earth has volcanic ejaculations.

   When someone posts pictures of a dance or something, you always look through them to see if you are in the background.

   When you're driving illegally, suddenly every car is an undercover cop.

   If someone tells you that they have "crazy eyes" when you ask what color they are. you better believe they are extremely cross eyed or they look like they are coming out of socket!

   It feels like it's raining way harder when you're driving than when you step out of the car?

   Appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had.

   Why the f*ck does toothpaste fall so easily off your tooth-brush, but the second it hits the sink it turns into some apoxy resin type bullsh!t and you can't wash it down the drain to save your life?! Grr.

   Its been so windy out today even the water in my toilet was choppy

   I was going to go to the Occupy Wall Street movement but I was too busy working.

   I've nicknamed my mate 'Blister' - he seems to only show up once the work has been done!

   santa was right when he looked at you and said "ho ho ho"

   never fish deeper than you can wiggle your worm

   The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that is beautiful.- Ron Swanson

   Just named my new puppy "EGYPT" cause he left a pyramid in every room.

   WILL WORK FOR LIKES!

   It's called flirting when you're in a relationship, and being friendly when you're single.

   Looks catches the eye's, personality seals the deal

   Only if people could take the energy they use to assume and use it to search for facts.