Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This girl came up to me and said she recognized me from vegetarian club. I think she was mistaken. I'd never met herbivore.

   Nothing's louder than a quiet bathroom when you have diarrhoea.

   Ladies: Your face is not a coloring book, so please go easy on the makeup.

   Most women conveniently forget their past, because they don't want to recall how many boyfriends they had.

   If you ain't ugly in the morning, then you didn't do it right last night!

   The N-B-A lockout continues. Which explains the 8-foot man cleaning my windshield this morning.

   Snow white lived with all those men & didn't once do any "favors" to get out of housework? Now THAT's a fairy tale.

   Most signs that say there's 24 hour surveillance just mean the sign is there all day.

   Dear clever comeback, can you come BEFORE the argument is over. Thanks!

   Cashiers are always checking me out.

   If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.

   I used to use expensive, illegal substances to blur the lines of reality. Now, I just take off my glasses.

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.

   Reality is for people who can't afford high speed internet.

   Women are like condoms.. they spend more time in your wallet than on your d!ck.

   Smith and Johnson are the two most common last names in US. So when you go to the bar, make sure you try putting drinks on those tabs first.

   Hand sanitizer is the best way to find invisible cuts on your hands.

   I have a dilemma, I follow the golden rule don't trust a girl who says she only has a friend (Biz Markie), but what do I do when she has 671 facebook friends?

   DAUGHTER : “I am in love with the neighbor, so I am running away with him.” DAD: “How is he going to take care of you when he doesn't even have a job?” DAUGHTER: “Dad, I am only reading the letter left by Mom.”

   Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.