Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sleep peacefully knowing negative energy can always be transformed into a one night stand.

   My dog could have just asked for smoke instead of eating the whole pack.

   GEORGE SOROS HAS JETPACKS AND HE'S NOT SHARING!!!!

   Guy at coffee shop just requested something "dunkable." This is making me uncomfortable.

   ou know you're lazy when you don't have any clean bowls so you eat cereal off a plate.

   Excuse me. Anyone know when the Occupy Hooters rally starts?

   wondering if it is weird to hold a conversation with the guy in you head.... "No Billy, I'm not talking about you."

   Problem: people lie. Solution: trust no one.

   It's the little things that make life so beautiful, like when a baby steps on a cat and they both go apesh!t

   Men cheat the most, women cheat the best!

   Just saying I love Google. It gives me everything I need, except head.

   It makes me laugh when I see HOES arguing with other HOES about being a HOE

   Ladies: If he had to run to the car to scrape up some change to buy you a drink do yourself a favour and walk away.

   When skinny women bend over to tie their shoes, They look like flip phones.

   It smells like... FRIDAY!! (In case your sniffers busted.=)

   The real meanings of Facebook event RSVP's yes= most likely going but might bail last second, No= your lame why would I go somewhere with you, maybe= I'm not going but I'm too much of a pu$$ to say no.

   Celebrity Divorce is sad, but not as sad as non-celebrities who care about Celebrity Divorce.

   As a parent, I appreciate how Sesame Street glosses over the Count killing and feeding upon other muppets to survive.

   If you're out somewhere and can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately

   Most of the time, I'd RATHER talk to the hand.