Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am a rare diamond, which you had previously mistaken for a very attractive piece of cut glass

   The only difference between me and much of the rest of the world is that I admit I'm crazy, whereas they are in denial.

   "A cook to spoon me, a crossing guard to hold my hand and a big girl to eat the food off my plate as well as hers", Lyrics so far to my hit single, "Wife Hunting"... still single

   I can specify your Kunta Kinte from here

   Ad on side of Facebook: "Interested in a masters in Philosophy?". A degree in philosophy is about as useful as a condom in Susan Boyle's bedside drawer. No thank you.

   Whoever decided to name this Halloween candy "fun" size is not someone I would care to party with. Just saying.......

   I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke...?

   Time travel:: like if you think it be cooler to go back in time..thu-mb down if travel into the future..???

   standing outside with his pants down waiting for google earth to come take his picture.

   Only your iphone knows who cheats

   E HARMONY : I am looking for a women that never has time to do anything with me ,,must like hockey and loves to cook..do laundry and clean shaven,,thanx

   the best parties is the ones you dont remember

   Me seek revenge? Nah, I'm too lazy. I'm just gonna sit here and let karma get you.

   Mayonnaise is now the largest ethnic group in the southern United States.

   I'm gonna be your murder consultant. Motherfucker Jones. How'd you get the nickname Motherfucker? When I was a kid I snuck into my mother's bedroom. I've heard enough. I snuck up behind her and then slipped my fingersinto her purse. Purse, he said purse.

   I Had a dream of you! You were drowning and I could not save you. All of a sudden God appeared and said, Fear not my child, crap floats!

   If you whistle while you work, your enjoying work way to much!

   Irony of a woman – she spends hours putting on makeup, exotic perfume, expensive jewellery and outfit but when people finally look at her the first thing they say, "Wow nice a$$"

   i told facebook what was on my mind one day .. they had to reconstruct the whole page ... :'(

   I'll always keep you on my left because I know you ain't right.