Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sending Right Guard, toothpaste and soap to wall street.

   I just had an epifanny. I realized I can't spell epifanny.

   I'm pretty sure Dora the Explorer is teaching kids the wrong idea, because I tried rapist no raping the other day…. It didn't go well.

   There's that moment of awesome when you get an A on the test... and then you realize you were given someone elses' test...

   It sucks when you make a really awesome post but then someone steals your glory with an even better comment.

   You know when you have to wash the dishes when you are eating salad out of a coffee cup.

   Dreams: are always getting to the best part, and then you wake up.

   Sometimes you just need someone to tell you you're not a loser and are worth a little more than crap.

   I didnt think there was a winner at the game of fetch until I threw the ball and it bounced off the wall and hit me in my face giving me a bloody nose AND black eye... guess the wall won this round

   Because of the constant rubbing of tectonic plates, the earth has volcanic ejaculations.

   When someone posts pictures of a dance or something, you always look through them to see if you are in the background.

   When you're driving illegally, suddenly every car is an undercover cop.

   If someone tells you that they have "crazy eyes" when you ask what color they are. you better believe they are extremely cross eyed or they look like they are coming out of socket!

   It feels like it's raining way harder when you're driving than when you step out of the car?

   Appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had.

   Why the f*ck does toothpaste fall so easily off your tooth-brush, but the second it hits the sink it turns into some apoxy resin type bullsh!t and you can't wash it down the drain to save your life?! Grr.

   Its been so windy out today even the water in my toilet was choppy

   I was going to go to the Occupy Wall Street movement but I was too busy working.

   I've nicknamed my mate 'Blister' - he seems to only show up once the work has been done!

   santa was right when he looked at you and said "ho ho ho"