Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

   Wishing all my facebook friends a fantasmagorical weekend filled with fun, sun, and...hang on a sec....huh?....okay, it's supposed to rain all weekend so never mind.

   I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see my Ex again

   "Now how is he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.

   So I guess Amish gangs are going around and cutting beards off of other Amish people. That's some hardcore gangsta sh*t right there

   Serial killers rarely answer questions like, “Who's There?”

   Every girl has a slutty friend. If you don't, then you are the slutty friend.

   Its amazing how the people with no job always have a bag of weed on them.

   Did you thank God for not looking like Rick Ross or Chris Bosh today?

   My mom thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL."

   Obama quit smoking for his health? Dude the diseases you catch from screwing the entire country is gunna kill you first

   $2.75 Trojans or $19.99 Huggies?? You make the decision.

   The number one lie in the whole world is...i swear I will love you forever..

   Today's Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bulls**t.

   My gym bag is so funny. Today it was like “What does the outside of your car trunk look like?” and “What's a gym?”

   Don't you hate when your friends embarrass you in front of your real friends

   What kind of jerk would put a cat in a bag? I'm just so relieved it's out.

   Tries to make his burps sounds like a Transformer.

   I've given up looking for my soulmate. Just looking for a holemate now.

   The Running Man may no longer be a trendy dance move but it's still a totally great way to get out of a boring conversation.