Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have a drinking problem. I have a drinking passion.

   Police marksmen covering disturbances at Dale Farm have been required to open fire three times..........they won a goldfish,teddybear and inflateable hammer!

   that embarrassing moment; when you're yelling at someone, and you mess up a word.

   Last night when I was drunk I asked a cat if it could talk, it replied! "Me? How?"

   Money is not a problem. The problem is I don't have Money.

   Carlos Santana must be relieved that his look-alike Gadaffi is gone.

   I am too lazy to walk a mile in your shoes so I will just go ahead and judge you.

   Now that Moammar Gadhafi is dead is it to soon to call dibs on his kick ass collection of sunglasses?

   Why the hell do people say, "Nice to meet you" when it's their first time to meet me and I haven't had any chance to say anything? How do you know it's nice to meet me? I could be an a$$hole for all you know.

   Your Tapout shirt implies you will kick my a$$, but your fake tan says you want to do something else to my a$$

   Excuse me lady, there is a FACE on your Makeup.

   Bathroom Rule #6. Before you sit down, check for toilet paper. No one wanta to do that walk of shame.

   male bats have highest rate of h0m0sexuality of any mammal, WELL THAT EXPLAINS EDWARD

   AIRPORT SECURITY: "Sir do you have any dangerous weapon on your person? ME: Yes, my brain.

   I don't know guys, that Gadhafi picture just looks like Gene Simmons after a Kiss concert.

   My ex asked the stupidest questions, like if you could be any vegtable what would you be, so I replied a 14 inch cucumber in a womens prison. she failed to see the irony, bless her lil vegan bleeding heart!

   I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now, I just shuffle along with the lost.

   Gadaffi has been killed but unfortunately the 14 other spellings of his name remain at large.

   Screw it, I'm answering any and all questions today with "As you wish".

   Heading to Wal-Mart to put my holiday sweatpants on layaway. Anyone need a BB gun or a bucket full of awesome?