Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet the Super Size Me guy regrets not doing his McDonalds binge during the Monopoly promotion.

   just been named most witty friend on Facebook by J.D. Power and Associates.

   My roomate busted me masterbating in the shower, To play it off I said, I'll wash my d*ck as fast as I want too.

   The saddest part in The Lion King 3D is that part when I can't afford a movie ticket at 27 years old.

   heading to Zanesville, OH for some big game hunting.

   You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...

   I dont care if you are family... And we have 100 mutal friends...I still dont know who the hell you are...So dont send me a friend request!

   I know my clothes are on the floor, I'm a guy, That's where I hang them.

   starin at a fluorescent light Above him watchin the dust bunny fall like snow.

   It's hard to make your coffee when you haven't had your coffee.

   It's sucks when you roll out of bed and realize you forget to do everything you planned on doing the night before.

   I would totally vote for Herman Cain but only if he introduces himself at the next debate by singing, "Here I am!! Rock you like a Herman Cain!! "

   If your girlfriend/boyfriend cheated on you and lied about it, you would be way more pissed than if they just cheated on you, told you, and you could either work it out or break up with them

   You know it's a bad break-up when your ex-girlfriend is posting Taylor Swift lyrics as her facebook status.

   You don't have insomnia, you have a f#cked up sleeping pattern.

   The best girlfriend to have is sleep because you'd get some every night.

   To bad DR Doolittle doesn't live in Ohio :(

   In the biggest Wal-Mart of my life. There's *weather* in here.

   Herman Cain wouldn't like my 69, 69, 69 plan..

   I wasn't feeling right so I went to the doctor. He told me the problem was I was half black. I said, "What should I do?" He told me to eat two watermelons and call him in the morning."