Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So if someone invites you to their wedding, it's apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can't make it but I'll come to your next one".

   that BeachBody has signed a deal with Linda Blair for a new workout video just in time for Halloween called "P90Xorcism"

   They took my happy meal.... I took their happiness.

   Getting so tired of the whole "Occupy Wall Street" protest... it's getting old. Besides, have you seen these people? Half of them look like they should be occupying Bourbon St., and the other half don't look smart enough to occupy Sesame St...

   second guessed over 80% of the decisions that I have made in life. Maybe 90%.

   This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!

   I'm so gangsta that I change the channels holding the remote sideways.

   So have they made a drink called Tequila Mockingbird yet? What the hell are they waiting for???

   I completely admire your talent of sitting on it and talking out of it at the same time...

   Ladies, if the story he is telling you is extremely detailed then he is lying.

   Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 62 ceiling tiles in our meeting room, 6 light fixtures with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.

   I banged my best friends mom, I guess this makes me his best motherf*cking friend!

   Dear Facebook friend, I was so super excited to read your post about you having pork chops for dinner. It was almost as captivating as your story about taking your grandmother to the grocery store. Where do you come up with this stuff???

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen sluts.

   My feelings are hurt that it took you two months to figure out that I blocked you. B!TCH!

   Here's a lil tip guys...don't ask your wife or GF "what kind of cake are you making me for bosses day?" Happy Bosses Day

   "I don't always drink milk, but when I do, I prefer Dos Chi Chis." hahaha Stay Thirsty my friends.

   When I die, I want my last words to be: "I left a million dollars under the...."

   Autocorrect is like that person who just graduated college and think they know everything.

   If I don't wear my tinfoil helmet, Jesus will tell me to eat all the donuts.