Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can make just ONE person smile, then you're probably a really bad comedian.

   I took a sh!t this morning. TMI? Yeah well I don't want to read about how in love you are with your boyfriend of the week either.

   Okay, in case we get caught... lets get our stories straight

   F*CK! I'm so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.

   WOMEN ARE EVIL! WOMEN suck! Oh that reminds me... women are soft... ooh and warm and wet and... what was I b!tching about? Damn women!!!

   The reason a man can walk around shirtless with his beer gut hanging out and still feel sexy is because we ARE sexy.

   Be motivated by the hate you receive and encouraged by the love you receive.

   The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."

   Every man wants to hear those three special words “Swallowed it all”.

   ☑ Facebook. ☑ Twitter. ☑ Tumblr. ☐ Life.

   retired. I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today!

   I bet your car doesn't make as many cool noises as mine!!

   Mathematics may not teach us how to add love or how to minus hate. But it gives us every reason to hope that "every problem has a solution.

   I told a chemistry joke a few days back. It didn't get a reaction.

   Team member of the month award ..... awesome and desperately sad at the same time

   Cookie Monster has probably kidnapped a ton of girl scouts.

   Guys: When you're watching your friend play a single player game, you secretly hope they die.

   there's nothing wrong with crying ..unless you're a guy

   Bus drivers inwardly laugh at you when they drop you off in the rain.

   Hey Europe just because you call your bathing suit a racing brief doesn't mean you don't look like a man wearing panties!