Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   CORONER: Amy Winehouse died from too much alcohol. hmmm alcohol kills and is legal but weed doesn't kill and is illegal hmmmm

   If you people would GET OFF THE PHONE you could drive better!

   ■The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.

   My favorite statement to hear from a person walking by: "Hey, sorry, my phone does wierd things to me"

   Clemson Vs Georgia Tech this weekend........ Up for Clemson....... Down for Georgia Tech

   Great news! My Halloween book, "Fun-Sizing Your Way to Diabetes," is now available on the Kindle!

   The truth shall set you free... if you have a spare $100,000 for legal fees.

   If you want to lose "friends"....tell the truth.

   Some peoples confidence is too close to arrogance to take them seriously

   Admit it, at one time in your life you went a public washroom and didnt wash your hands after because nobody else would see you

   You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. F*cking act like it.

   I shot someone with a starting pistol.I've been charged with race crimes

   Don't you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammar?

   just been given two weeks to live.The girlfriends gone away for a fortnight.

   Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.I nearly choked on my latte.

   I love getting fresh clean underwear out of the dryer....I just wish I knew who they belong to!

   Have you heard about that new film about the tractor? I only saw the trailer

   was just thinking ... are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

   If you got a problem face it, don't Facebook it!

   Last week a German satellite fell from the sky, but fortunately they warned everyone ahead of time so France would not surrender.