Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a woman doesn't cry over you anymore, it means another man is making her smile.

   Let's face it ladies, if men walked around with b0ners you'd stare at them too.

   Dear ladies: We are not that hard to find. We are in the friend zone, right where you left us. Sincerely, The nice guys.

   Why do ladies spend so much anger on The Other Woman? They should really be more infuriated with their cheating lover.

   Epic Fail # ur on a date and think you guys are having a moment and move in for the kiss and all you here from here mouth is...what are you doing?...lol

   So now I hear that the world is supposed to end on 21 Oct 2011. There's a greater chance of me growing purple hair, blue teeth and a unicorn horn along with pooping rainbows before I believe that rubbish!

   It's nice when someone can reply to your sarcasm with sarcasm instead of just getting offended.

   Why to guys who wear skinny jeans still hit on girls? They're already in their pants.

   How come when people fill out applications, under "Emergency Contact," nobody ever puts "911"?

   Women are like condoms; if they're not on your d!ck, they're in your wallet.

   Realizing that you aren't that smart after all is a sign of maturity.

   You can never think of any changes or improvements to your essay until AFTER you print it out.

   - There was a woman outside WalMart with a box of kittens. She asked me if I wanted one. I of course told her that I had kitten for breakfast. She called me a big jerk. I told her they taste a lot like puppies. Thats when she really got mad....

   That lonely moment when the only text message you get all day is from your cell phone company..

   BRB Means I'm not really going anywhere, but neither is this conversation..

   This just in. The following have been arrested for selling counterfeit pizza. Papa John-Hungry Howie-Little Caesar-Cici-Domino-and Chuck E. Cheese. Tear gas was used to bring them out of their hiding place...Pizza Hut.

   I didn't trip... Nature was testing my balance!!

   sometimes doing the right thing aint doing the right thing...

   The Rockin' Praise band at your hypocritical Creep Me Out Church doesn't exactly make your ancient 13th century worldview progressive.

   Sesame Street YouTube channel hacked, videos replaced with porn. I don't want to tell you what the letter ˝C˝ stand for.