Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Note to self: Saying "Don't judge me!" doesn't go over well in court.

   I have to remind myself this weekend there will be many Halloween parties. So don't go by instinct and start shooting zombies in the head.

   Do you think you could drive better if I shoved that cell phone up your @ss? Talk or Drive... PICK ONE!!

   My, what a lovely shade of slut you're wearing today...

   They say money doesn't buy happiness but I'd rather cry in a Ferrari

   Before you kill yourself can you give me your Facebook password so that I can continue to post st@tus upd@tes after you are gone and scare the sh!t out of your friends.

   Okay, I'll admit it. I was one of those kids that took more than one candy bar while trick or treating from the houses that had those naive "Please just take one" baskets

   Doctor Oz: When a woman goes for too long without sex, she loses feelings in her clitoris. You heard the good doctor ladies...

   Guess what? I'm dead. And if you think I stunk before, you should get a whiff of me now.-Ghadafi

   Okay...Who else keeps clicking the "Help Center" tab instead of "Log Out"? Facebook's just keeping us on our toes, and driving us out of our minds.

   CORONER: Amy Winehouse died from too much alcohol. hmmm alcohol kills and is legal but weed doesn't kill and is illegal hmmmm

   If you people would GET OFF THE PHONE you could drive better!

   ■The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.

   My favorite statement to hear from a person walking by: "Hey, sorry, my phone does wierd things to me"

   Clemson Vs Georgia Tech this weekend........ Up for Clemson....... Down for Georgia Tech

   Great news! My Halloween book, "Fun-Sizing Your Way to Diabetes," is now available on the Kindle!

   The truth shall set you free... if you have a spare $100,000 for legal fees.

   If you want to lose "friends"....tell the truth.

   Some peoples confidence is too close to arrogance to take them seriously

   Admit it, at one time in your life you went a public washroom and didnt wash your hands after because nobody else would see you