Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't judge me for saying girlfriends don't watch football. If you have a girlfriend that loves football, she should be your wife!

   That rather uneasy moment when your Arab friend says, "I'm the bomb!

   Music Teacher: “What is your favourite musical instrument?” Fat Kid: “The lunch bell.”

   I dont know wheather to rake or shovel...

   The neighbor that is a cop was not so concerned why I was naked, but wanted to know how I got in the backseat of his car and cuffed myself last night.

   I think my neighbor it drunk, he is taking his Christmas lights down!

   I don't have a short temper; I just have a quick reaction to bullsh!t.

   Ladies: There's something just not right about having to take the batteries out of your TV remote to use in your vibrator.

   Love is free but Loyalty is going to cost you extra.

   If your heart was really broken you would be dead. So STFU.

   Someone suggested I get myself one of those pen1s enlargers, so I did..... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

   They say we're not suppose to judge people by the way they look. I saw a guy wearing a NASCAR tee-shirt, Git-er-done camouflage hat, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other and a son with a rat tail hair cut. C'mon, some people make too easy not to.

   Love starts with "You are different" and ends with, "You are all the same".

   Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn't find a hug"

   A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat

   I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken's booty and think..."I'm gonna eat that!"

   "Look at my face, does it look like I care?" - "Well by looking at your face, God didn't care either"

   Sorry I wasn't paying attention, I was thinking about having sex with you.

   Drugs and alcohol are never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"

   Did you make it home safely? "No, I died 35 times