Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex with me is like Sex with an optometrist: better like this, or better like this, How about this, or like this. Better here or here.

   Now that I'm older I'm starting realize when my mom made me let her check my candy...It wasn't her way of trying to save me from the bad candy...She just wanted too steal the good stuff for herself...Thanks Mom

   any day above the ground is a good day

   The Texas Rangers are half way to becoming the Buffalo Bills of the MLB

   Blonde texts me "What does IDK, IDC and GTG mean? " I respond "I don't know, I don't care, and Got to Go." She responds "FINE, but that's really rude!"

   Meanwhile, on the east coast, thousands of children are changing their costume from pirate to snowboarder.

   I don't want anyone to feed my ego. I just want someone to put it in their mouth and do tongue tricks with it.

   Its a good thing its Halloween already, The skeletons in my shed are starting to stink up the neighborhood!!

   kids have to be confused by halloween...rest of the year ur not supposed to talk to strangers or accept anything from strangers...on halloween you say "trick or treat" to a stranger & accept their candy

   BIRTH: It goes in like a banana and comes out like a pineapple.

   it me, or does "Bananas in Pyjamas" just sound like a safe sex campaign.

   It's hard to understand why eating a banana would be considered even remotely sexual. Sure, it can represent a phallic object, but if a girl devouring your pen!s turns you on then you have some serious problems.

   Wasn't very creative as a kid. I never had any imaginary friends growing up and neither did any of my friends from planet BeelaBoop.

   I have this medical condition that makes me pee in a hot tub as soon as I get in it.

   People keep telling me I'm a dinosaur because I still use a landline telephone. I've been wanting to get rid of it for a good while now but It's really hard because it matches my abacus.

   It's the strangest feeling when you come out of the cinema when a film ends, because you were so sucked into the film that you forget all about real life.

   Just found out the Jersey Show house can be rented for $2,500 a night. That includes all the recommended vaccines

   If you gotta ask her "Does this feel good??" you aint doin it right....

   With Lindsay Lohan doubling duty between a Playboy shoot and working at the L.A. county morgue, it should be interesting to see what she wears for Halloween...I haven't spotted any zombie, prison striped, part time lesbian, boozing, kleptomaniac, playboy

   Thought I had perfect eyesight then I saw my wife