Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow, I've just noticed that almost all the girls on my Facebook are girls that I've tried to hook up with at one point or another. My Facebook has suddenly become one giant reminder of pure and utter failure. Well played Facebook, well played...

   (-.-) <--- this is my surprised face when I read about Kim's divorce.

   Don't put habanero chili in your KY. Your mate will get quite angry.

   What was longer.... Kim Kardashian's marriage or theTrick-or-Treat line outside of Casey Anthony's house??

   That awkard moment when you wake up your boyfriend in middle of night to say "stop snoring!!!" and you realize that it's the dog and not him.

   I know we are new lovers who hooked up just recently and all but you have to stop calling me at 2 in the morning. Who besides stalkers wants to 'talk' at 2am?

   don't you occasionally go through your friends' list and think to yourself: DANG! I'd hit that....... with a truck!

   I'm so ugly the kids gave me candy when they came to my door.

   I don't like the way this guy in the mirror is looking at me.

   My check engine light has been on since I was born.

   if family visits tonight dressed as zombies, I just might start palying "resident evil...the wii version"

   watched a bunny hop past me and into bushes and thought "What if I'm supposed to follow it?"

   Just shot three vampires and a zombie. You're welcome.

   Go ahead, call the cops, lady. I got ten witnesses that'll say your baby kicked me first.

   Nipples: Nature's thermometer.

   90 percent of the pumpkins in America end up as Jack-o-Lantern's.

   If couples who are in love are called "love birds", then couples who always argue should be called "angry birds"

   Melissa Etheridge is single, with four kids by two different chicks. Sounds like someone is ready for the NBA.

   Here lies Eddie Drake, he stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

   I dressed up as MySpace for Halloween. Hey why is everyone ignoring me?