Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why the hell do people say, "Nice to meet you" when it's their first time to meet me and I haven't had any chance to say anything? How do you know it's nice to meet me? I could be an a$$hole for all you know.

   Your Tapout shirt implies you will kick my a$$, but your fake tan says you want to do something else to my a$$

   Excuse me lady, there is a FACE on your Makeup.

   Bathroom Rule #6. Before you sit down, check for toilet paper. No one wanta to do that walk of shame.

   male bats have highest rate of h0m0sexuality of any mammal, WELL THAT EXPLAINS EDWARD

   AIRPORT SECURITY: "Sir do you have any dangerous weapon on your person? ME: Yes, my brain.

   I don't know guys, that Gadhafi picture just looks like Gene Simmons after a Kiss concert.

   My ex asked the stupidest questions, like if you could be any vegtable what would you be, so I replied a 14 inch cucumber in a womens prison. she failed to see the irony, bless her lil vegan bleeding heart!

   I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now, I just shuffle along with the lost.

   Gadaffi has been killed but unfortunately the 14 other spellings of his name remain at large.

   Screw it, I'm answering any and all questions today with "As you wish".

   Heading to Wal-Mart to put my holiday sweatpants on layaway. Anyone need a BB gun or a bucket full of awesome?

   Great, now I have to change my Halloween costume from Gadhafi to Zombie Gadhafi.

   We need to employ ninja doctors to do vasectomies secretly to stop dipsh!ts from breeding.

   I heard you were voted "Most likely to suck seed."

   Bring a bolt to an amusement park. Get on a roller coaster with a person who looks terrified. When the ride starts, hold up the bolt and say, "Wait...where did this come from?"

   If you think you have me figured out, that's hilarious because I don't even have myself figured out.

   I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.

   You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation.

   I'm going to learn how to make balloon animals. just in case an emergency situation calls for the most annoying sound in the universe.