Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone asks me what superpower I would have if I were a superhero, I tell them I already have one. I say I possess the preternatural ability to anticipate and avoid horrifically boring conversations. Then I walk away.

   Look, if I thought my feelings needed to be spared I would've just went to a prostitute and saved myself the effort!

   Detroit Lions players mock Tim Tebow in blowout win Sunday. Tim Tebow responded with; At least I don't wake up in Detroit.

   had it up to here!! (raises hand above head)

   You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.

   Statistically speaking, 9 out of 11 Americans will be offended by this message.

   I would totally dominate Iron Chef Pop Tart.

   You can burn calories by having sex! Related: Looking for a workout partner.

   I'm not a fan of stupid conspiracy theories, but I'm fully aware that Governments slow down time on weekdays & speed it up on weekends.

   FREE NUDE SHOW: Walk into a women's tanning salon and yell "FIRE!"

   Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.

   Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.

   Ugly people should really stop trying to take seductive pictures of themselves, it's camera fudgin suicide.

   Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

   This Planking epidemic is getting way out of hand my neighbor the old lady next door been laying outside for 2 days now.

   Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face.

   I really tend to have less tolerance of ugly people.

   What was longer.... Kim Kardashian's marriage or theTrick-or-Treat line outside of Casey Anthony's house?

   I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch

   just wanted to bring this story to your attension meet lawn chair larry who attached baloons to his lawn chair and went up to 16,000 feet with a 6 pack of miller lite a pellet gun and some sandwitches where he flew around on his lawn chair for 14 hours lm