Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ugh, this girl who woke up in my bed is SO needy. She's all "Who are you?" "What'd you put in my drink?"

   Do you think Hugh Hefner will kill himself and let his Exotic pets loose?

   This morning I had to stare death directly in the eyes! Well, it was my ex, but she looks dead and it was still scary.

   Let's get drunk and make some bad decisions

   Nothing better then waking up with the woman YOU love. :) - Me, waking up with the woman YOU love......

   Latin is like zombies. They're both technically dead but still influencing society.

   If a zombie apocalypse ever happens, we all better hope people who can do parkour don't get infected.

   When I am on vacation I put in my Out of Office message to contact Batman with any problems, as I feel he is the only one qualified to replace me anyway.

   Are you single single or internet single?

   If you sleep with someone, then try to sneak out in the morning, you are an ASS! First you have to delete your number from their phone, THEN sneak out. Come on people, use your heads.

   A Friend suggestion with 1 mutual friend!? Really facebook?? Has it gotten that pathetic? ..smh.

   t's annoying that you have to sexually rub the wall while you search for the light switch in a dark room.

   Friday Night. I've missed you. You've been coy and bashful all week long. So you abide by the "lady in the street but a freak in the bed" motto. Oh... I see we see eye to eye. I'll be waiting for you when the sun does down.

   It's better to have a life of 'Oh Wells than a life of 'What if...'

   The McRib is like the undead of the sandwich world, it keeps coming back. #ZombieFood!

   "Ho ho ho" would be more appropriate as a Halloween greeting.

   It never fails, when a girl steals my Facebook status she gets a ton more "likes" than I did. :(

   I wonder if Winnie the Poo ever said, Tigger Please!

   Look dude I have no problem with the tattoo that you have. It's the instant attitude change that came along with it. Trust me you are still a pu$$y. Having a half moon inked into your shoulder did not change that.

   Why does everybody try to hide from each other in the Dollar Store? I saw your ass over at the bargain bin fool.