Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.

   I'm thankful I can scroll quickly through what everyone's thankful for.

   this Sunday we all get to travel back in time just like Marty McFly.

   My, what a lovely shade of slut you are wearing today!

   Some people spend so much time preaching to the choir..they forget to actually read the words. You are lying to yourself if you don't think you are the problem.

   Try an experiment..next time you are with your friends…see how long it takes before the conversation turns into talking about someone else…try it again as many times as you want..pay attention the results may open your eyes.

   If you can stay up all night and hoot with the owls then you can get your a$$ up and soar with tthe eagles in the morning

   I saw that Justin bieber has a 3 month old ...I just seen her yesterday on Ellen and she looks like she already lost all her baby fat!

   Your story doesn't add up, so feel free to stop lying.

   Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.

   noticed that countries that eat bacon have a lot less violence and war

   When you love someone age , distance , height . weight is just a damn number .

   Did you hear about the mexican guy who had a heart attack on Halloween? Somebody came to his door dressed as a job.

   would happily join one of these "occupy" movements, if only they were looking to occupy a Dunkin' Donuts.

   If you're genuinely surprised about Kim Kardashian getting divorced, I need to tell you something about Santa Claus...

   I like to lift my feet up so the person in the stall next to me thinks it's a ghost that has diarrhea.

   I had a near death experience, and I saw heaven. People were screaming and there was fire everywhere. It was glorious.

   People say that money isn't the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

   My sleep number is 2...bong rips

   I've applied for a job at the DMV so I can be the one who decides who can have a license and who will f***ing walk.