Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dream car is 1969 Camaro with a pine tree airfreshenr hanging from the rearview and your girlfriend in backseat. Now all I need is a 1969 Camaro.

   In the world of MTV, when a girl is in her sixteenth year she either gets an extravagant birthday party or a baby. Most sixteen-year-olds I know would settle for a new iPod.

   if dogs could talk theyd prolly talk a lot about shoes

   I want to make a font joke, but I'm just not bold enough.

   When someone asks me what superpower I would have if I were a superhero, I tell them I already have one. I say I possess the preternatural ability to anticipate and avoid horrifically boring conversations. Then I walk away.

   Look, if I thought my feelings needed to be spared I would've just went to a prostitute and saved myself the effort!

   Detroit Lions players mock Tim Tebow in blowout win Sunday. Tim Tebow responded with; At least I don't wake up in Detroit.

   had it up to here!! (raises hand above head)

   You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.

   Statistically speaking, 9 out of 11 Americans will be offended by this message.

   I would totally dominate Iron Chef Pop Tart.

   You can burn calories by having sex! Related: Looking for a workout partner.

   I'm not a fan of stupid conspiracy theories, but I'm fully aware that Governments slow down time on weekdays & speed it up on weekends.

   FREE NUDE SHOW: Walk into a women's tanning salon and yell "FIRE!"

   Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.

   Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.

   Ugly people should really stop trying to take seductive pictures of themselves, it's camera fudgin suicide.

   Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

   This Planking epidemic is getting way out of hand my neighbor the old lady next door been laying outside for 2 days now.

   Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face.