Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A tooth allegedly belonging to John Lennon is being put up for auction… you know times are bad when the Tooth-fairy needs cash...

   What you don't have time for the next man will...........What you don't wanna do the next chick will.

   Facebook: the best way for singles to know if they want to date someone or just poke em

   When things don't add up in your life, start subtracting.

   Ladies: If he is only interested in your breasts, legs and thighs send him to KFC. Don't be his value meal.

   Some people think of you as a ladder. Once they use you to reach the top, they throw you down.

   Alarm clock alarms in the morning!!! Fergie's wife: Sir wake up it is 7. Fergie: Ohhhh, have they scored another one!!!!!

   I dont ever wanna be known as a snitch, so if I ever say " Okie Dokie Artichokie" it means I'm wearing a wire

   MAN: Hello! Is this 911? POLICE: Yes! What's Ur emergency??! MAN: Two girls are fighting over me! POLICE: What's wrong with that??! MAN: The ugly one is winning.... Hurry!!!

   Nothing is more humbling than blocking someone then doing the friend request of shame

   The neighbor's baby is wearing a baseball cap. Like anyone would pick a baby for their team.

   When I was younger I use to slide bak and forth in the bathtub to make waves

   We alll have that one friend that just listens when you need to vent.. Lucky for me it happens to be my girlfriend :)

   I was gonna get something done... Then I logged in

   If I don't have any drama... Can I still have a Facebook

   Pizza... It's what's for Breakfast

   Work fascinates me...I could sit and watch someone do it for hours!!!

   I can't decide if I'm in the right place at the wrong time or the wrong place at the right time.

   you're cool and I'm hot, we should meet in the middle and stay warm...

   Am I the only one who has their life flash before their eyes when they sit on a cold toilet seat