Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there is one thing I learn from every mistake is I'll never get caught that way again.

   No matter what's happening there's always part of me that would rather be taking a nap. And drinking.

   All this learning to share crap when I was a child seems redundant when I'm supposed to have a monogamous relationship as an adult.

   Whenever I see a grown man on a bicycle, I can't help but think DUI.

   Why is it when I press 1 for English when calling "Tech Support"... I get someone that doesnt even speak f*ckin english!!!

   The more Marilyn Monroe quotes a girls Facebook has, the more likely she'll suck your d!ck for validation.

   always a groomsmen, never sober

   Had to take a drug test on my lunch break for my life insurance policy, the lady told me that I passed and asked me why I look so angry, I told her that my dealer has some explaining to do now....

   Some president once said "It's the economy stupid"...But I say "It's the government Dumb@$$"

   Some president once said "It's the economy stupid"...But I say "It's the government Dumb@$$"

   Leftover Chinese food makes a damn fine breakfast.

   I only got a toilet seat cushion so my face would be comfortable after an intense night of drinking

   Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

   Thought I'd check in make sure you're all still remembering the Titans.

   If there's one thing that I've learned it's, that I should have learned way more than one thing.

   Alex, I'll take WTF for a $1000

   The show "19 Kids and Counting" could easily be renamed "People Hoarders".

   I bet if you put bacon bits on a bacon strip, you could travel back in time

   There's a new unit of measure which measures 72 days - a Kardash.

   How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there! I've killed, like, 15 zombies already! How come they are all holding candy?