Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when somebody tells you to go "f*** yourself" use reverse psychology and say "hell no...I'll do it right here thank you very much"

   Rihanna "Fell in love in a hopeless place". Must have been in Greece.

   I have a six figure salary. Unfortunately, all six figures are to the right of the decimal point.

   Be polite, bow. And while you're down there...

   We all suffer from a stroke at some point in our lives. Whether it be a stroke of bad luck, a blood clot, or a dry handjob.

   Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.

   Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand. Sex is best learned by doing.

   With only one plug in this hospital room it's not looking good for Nana's respirator if my phone battery dies and I have another AWESOME face book status update .

   The less power a man has, the more he likes to use it. That's why bouncers are d!cks.

   In life everything has a Yin & a Yang. Without demoralizing Monday mornings, there would be no debaucherous Friday nights.

   Don't feel bad Westerners, somewhere there is a Chinese kid in an American restaurant struggling with a knife & fork.

   Occupy Chicago protesters were rained with McDonald's applications today. I don't know about you but that is hilarious.

   You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed....

   Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. ( MONDAY )

   No one is lazier than the people who name convenience stores.

   I'm in shape: Unfortunately it's the wrong one.

   I like my beaver how I like my chicken...free range.

   If you can text with both hands at the same time, you are Ambi-Textual.

   If you listen to the new Coldplay album on very good speakers you can actually hear the band growing ovaries.

   I'm about to get in the middle of some girl-on-girl action with Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth.